The 54th Deadline: Life is a series of chances to achieve something by a given point. You might very well miss out on opportunities if you are not careful. However, I firmly believe that God gives us plenty of means to find our way, even if we mess up here and there. After all, life demands deadlines. Try and try again until your goals and dreams are realized. Strive to finish on a successful note with whatever you set out to do. Always.
I have a bit of a dark secret concerning my past few years … I have been overly pissed off in more ways than one. I just try to hide it through outlets and other therapeutic means.
But enough is enough.
You can call it what you want, but the rage has been building for so long now. I can’t even contain it anymore. Everything really wants to come out. It takes a lot of excess energy to suppress and keep things in check, but I feel like I am at my personal limit.
What have I been mad about? Well, there are lots of things to feel anger toward.
My circumstances. My toxic mindset that pops up often. And a bunch of other things that just drive me into a corner, making me want to suppress a lot of the negative stuff before something bad happens.
But everything comes full circle to the point where I wonder why I try so hard to hold back … It’s not like I am doing myself a favor by letting these feelings burn through me from the inside out. Just a random incident here and there really urges me to let loose for once.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I understand what I am feeling can be at times illogical and borderline on the petty side, but I can’t help but feel how I feel about things.
For instance, something that continues to grind my gears is people ignoring me for whatever reason. I have grown accustomed to others not giving a damn about me, thinking that I am some lost cause or something. Like I don’t matter. Like I am a big joke that needs to be forgotten about … But this in turn just infuriates me to no end.
I’m human, after all. Humans are supposed to get their buttons pushed once and a while. For me, I have been a perpetual punching bag from life itself. I know a chunk of the personal beatings stem from my own wrongdoings, but then this is where others were supposed to come in to give me a helping hand.
And to those who have stuck around me for this whole time, I can’t help but give you a “You’re awesome!” for trying to stick with me through thick and thin. And yet, for everyone else … well, let’s just say I don’t have many polite words in my vocabulary to utter.
Of course, I realize some of this isn’t the other people’s fault per se. Everyone has their respective lives to live, and everyone should have the right to choose who they interact with and whatnot.
However, I guess it goes to show that I have a lot of problematic areas in my own life to sort out. It just feels like many screws are loose that keep me from feeling “complete,” and thus this in itself explains why I have grown so dependent of finding “comfort” to help keep me mentally and emotionally afloat.
I completely realize I should not let so many things get to me. Not many individuals are attempting to be mean or rude to me on purpose, but something upstairs keeps telling me this is how I should perceive it. And this cycle keeps occurring over and over again until I don’t even know what’s correct or incorrect anymore, what’s normal or an injustice, what’s blatant or subtle …
Basically, everything is so confusing for me.
It’s a sad state of affairs, but … Nah, screw it. I am just mad. Mad that I am like this. Mad that I haven’t done enough to douse off this built-up anger over the years …
Nonetheless, this is the turning point that I need to make a decisive decision on if I want to make any sense of my enigmatic existence.
I can’t continue to bust my tail every week, saving up every single penny and expecting the answers to fall right onto my lap without some effort on my part.
I am passionate, determined and a whole lot more when it comes to my own potential. It took a lot of wake-up calls and situations where I hit rock bottom before I could finally be content that this is how I am supposed to function as a person.
Not as a wreck. Not as someone who is always mopey. Not as someone who is lost within his own mind that he can’t find a way out …
NO, NO AND NO!!!
This isn’t me … None of this was supposed to be. None of this was supposed to be my current definition.
But the fact is, I have been rebuilding. I have been steadily regaining my sense of confidence. I have been gradually started to mount this ultimate and unforeseeable comeback that I have longed for …
At least, the ball is in motion. And things finally are starting to head in the ideal direction for once.
And yet, here I am … still brimming with anger. Still mad for some reason. Should I feel so angry? Should I feel so comfortable having a hot temper?
Part of me says, “Yes.” But it’s a “Yes” for using this anger as its own catalyst. A driving force as you will. I should use this anger as fuel for an inner fire that will light up my return to feeling “proper,” or at least what others would deem sufficient.
On the other hand, there is a noticeable “No” to keep in mind. It’s a “No” in the sense that tells me to cool my jets and focus on all of the positive messages that I try to emphasize with this blog of mine.
Regardless, I can’t disregard my feelings and how mad I can get day to day. I try to hold it all in with all I got, and then it just makes me think that I need to burst out and get mean …
But to whom am I supposed to be mean toward? And why?
Turning points … really do force you to think.