Daily NhanSense: Every day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.
Day 18’s Topic: Despair.
If there is one thing I am open to admitting as a weakness, it’s the fact that a lot of things can throw off my “vibe.” I truly loathe this aspect about me as a person, to the point where I desire functioning day-to-day without worrying that something is going to topple my emotional house of cards down.
If it’s even a whiff of discouragement or something else that’s negative heading my way, I have to brace myself more than I should. That kind of stuff is absurdly effective against me.
Being emotionally tough is a respectable trait to have to your name. I won’t say I am outright super sensitive for a guy per se, but I certainly can’t let things slide past me like it’s no big deal.
After all, life isn’t all about sunshine and rainbows. You aren’t going to be showered by nonstop praise and joyous feelings all the time. You expect to get rained on here and there.
I guess it goes without saying that one should learn how to dance in the rain when you’re standing there getting soaked. It’s going to happen at some point. Guaranteed.
But maybe it’s because I don’t like getting myself wet in the first place that I have to hoist a reality-defying umbrella over my head constantly.
Is it because the umbrella represents a “facade” of some sort? Am I just trying to hide away from my problems?
Yes … in the sense that I know deep down I have nearly drowned from my emotions. No … in the sense that part of me doesn’t accept any of this. None of it at all.
What’s left is a confused mess that is my psyche. All I seek is the day where it all fixes itself and I can say goodbye to all the icky and yucky feelings that keep holding me down, keep holding me back and keep me, most importantly, FROM MOVING FORWARD.
Why can’t they just disappear? Why can’t I just rid myself of this stuff?
Despair or not, I am a person with hopes and dreams. I have interests. I have ambitions I want to achieve. I have a lot I want to give to the world.
And yet, here I am … paralyzed by fear. I am frightened by what some would call illogical contradictions that haunt me daily.
Happiness … I want to find it. I want to stop being sad like this randomly.
“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction