Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.
Day 30’s Topic: Mood swings.
For the past week, my mood swings have become less chaotic. I feel happier … like things are truly going to work out for the best. A lot of people think mood swings come and go, and they are correct in that sense. But anyone who has THE mood swings, like the kind I have passed down from my father’s side, would know that there is more to it than just an occasional outburst of a given emotion.
At times, honestly, it can be downright scary which way my mood decides to swing down the spectrum. I sometimes can’t tell which direction my mood is going to go. As a result, I have learned to suppress my emotions with great success, but I suppose this makes me come off as stoic or socially awkward. In reality, it’s me bottling up how I am feeling.
Being sad and mad are two particular emotions I try to keep under lock and key in day-to-day situations. I like using video games as an ideal outlet for those bleh feelings you wouldn’t want out in the open, like when I am at the store or walking around a bunch of people.
I guess I was always that good kid when I was younger who learned not to make too many tantrums out in public.
However, for the sake of my well-being, I actively try to practice expressing happiness. A smile here and there. Maybe a grin at the bare minimum. Heck, someday, I may in fact laugh out loud with less fear of scrutiny of others. Then again, natural shyness keeps me feeling too embarrassed for that kind of stuff, at least for now.
Don’t get me wrong. I do in fact hate having mood swings. Sometimes, I feel like I am walking on eggshells with myself in a weird way, like I am just one brief moment from losing enough control that I end up blowing up out of pent-up rage and frustration.
Or maybe it’s because I have come across what mood swings can do to others firsthand growing up with my father. But let me make this clear – my dad was not in any shape or form an abusive dad. He has always been a hardworking guy who always tried to do what the man of the house should do, but he did not know how to control his mood swings. This was a given.
For instance, my dad would be the kind of person who come home super stressed from work, there may be some leftover dishes waiting in the sink and so he would end up chewing out my little brothers or me like it was the end of the world, with plenty of loud shouts you could hear from outside the house.
And let’s say the next day he is cool as a cucumber, he’s by all means acting friendly and he just wants to take us out to McDonald’s and chill out on his day off by singing karaoke because he loves singing.
Sure, these are pretty tame examples by all means. I have seen my dad do things like throw out my mom’s sewing machine from anger. And then my dad would get even more furious when he couldn’t put the dang sewing machine together, and he would try to reason while huffing and puffing that he did it because my mom just made him so mad and she shouldn’t have done that.
I have also seen my dad be extremely caring to my little brothers or me, with all of those moments you would see in family advertisements. Things like my dad playing board games with us or trying to play some soccer in the backyard.
With that said, I will openly admit my relationship with my dad was literally hit or miss growing up and throughout my transition toward being an “adult.” I literally could not predict what kind of dad I would get on any day of the week. He could be the dad who brought me home French fries after work, or he could be the guy who marches down the stairs to cuss me out for an hour.
It wasn’t much a perpetual coin flip of what kind of dad would show up, as it was just absurdly unpredictable.
But you learn to live with someone with mood swings. My brothers, my mom, myself … We all did.
If my dad was in a good mood, we would be more willing to go upstairs and try chatting with him. If he wasn’t, we avoided him like the plague. It was that simple, really.
Deep down, I guess we just figured it wasn’t my dad’s fault in a sense. His mood swings stem from a lot of chemical imbalances, from his stress from working so much at the factory throughout the week and so he has a lot of health issues to his name.
My dad has to take medication for his mood swings and other ailments (I honestly don’t think they help level his mood out, if at all), and I think this is why I have such an aversion to the daily medicine regiment.
Yeah, the medicine is supposed to help my dad’s health, but the side effects just throw him for their own respective loops. Maybe my method of self-control is flawed in its own ways. Sometimes, I think I am using up a lot of willpower just to hold it all together so the house of cards representing my emotions don’t come crashing down.
Meh, mood swings are tricky. At the end of the day, it’s what I have to deal with in everyday situations. I just have to keep focusing on the good emotions rather than letting the bad emotions take over and bring me down.
“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction