Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.
Day 40’s Topic: Regret.
It takes a lot of guts to admit something about myself, at least in regards to how I have been for at least four of the past five years.
I have been weak. Outright weak as a person. Weak in terms of willpower. Weak in terms of mental toughness.
Just absurdly weak.
But with that said, I have grown stronger these days, or at least stronger in the sense that I can stand on my own two feet with less help. However, I am still not 100 percent independent quite yet.
A long time ago, in the midst of the worst symptoms of my depression, my weaknesses as a person became evident. What I sought after the most was just comfort, a human voice to calm me down and assure me that everything was A-OK, even though inside my mind I wasn’t quite sure what to believe.
And so, I made a lot of phone calls at my worst.
And I am talking about calls that could last for an hour or longer. These weren’t over in five minutes or anything. These were chunks of time out of someone’s schedule just to hear me blab and cry about my problems.
I regret being so needy. I was certainly a major inconvenience in some respects. I wish I could call up every single person I talked to and apologize, but I don’t think they would want to hear my apologies anyway. They had their fill.
You see, and this is me being honest, it’s not like I wanted to turn my once-called friends into my personal therapists. I had no intention of that. I was a confused, depressed mess. I wanted answers, but perhaps a part of my mind didn’t want to hear what my friends had to say and process it properly.
And so, I called and called around, exhausting the numbers on my phone.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciated the talks with my friends at the time. There were lots of pep talks, lots of “It’s only a phase. You’ll get over it!” kind of discussions and whatnot. I guess above all else, and this is me being frank, I think I just appreciated that these people were willing to listen to me for so long.
But I am perfectly aware now that I overstepped my boundaries for many of my friends, which led to some bridges being burned for good. I just became that random person in their lives, hounding them for a call when they were just busy and too caught up with their own respective issues.
I won’t sugarcoat it. I was a burden. I was too much of a wreck … so much so that I should have found professional help instead of trying to toss my problems onto everyone else.
It’s no surprise for many of my friends and I that we mutually stopped our friendships, more or less. I didn’t bother calling many people on my phone after a while, I started deleting numbers because it would have been pointless and things just kept getting worse and worse. It felt like my options were disappearing before my eyes.
Again, I wish I could apologize, but it’s too late now. What’s done is done.
Call me an awful person, or you can label me as someone who was in really deep turmoil who needed a little more than a pat on the back to get through with what I was going through at the time …
Regardless, I wish things did not turn out the way they did.
Like everyone else, I had hopes and dreams. I was going to get a cool job like all the other college grads and move on with my life with confidence to find happiness and all that good stuff.
Instead, I dealt with unemployment, mental health damage and other adverse effects from everything in my world collapsing and falling apart. Perhaps my punishment was to lose those friends for good … Maybe that’s what I get for being such a crybaby?
Still, my tone as of late is showing signs of improvement, some glimmers of optimism on the side to boot.
As I continue to brainstorm what I want to do in the near future, ultimately, and with complete earnest feelings, I want to figure out a means to help others in some meaningful way.
It’s like I have been getting an inkling from the universe that I have a bigger purpose than to find that “cool job” with my college degree. Something just tells me that I need to something majorly impactful …
What is that? Time will tell. Time will tell.
At the very least, I want to stop being so dependent on others. I want to be the one to help others for a change.
“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction