Everyday NhanSense – Day 52

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 52’s Topic: Social anxiety acting as a barrier.
By now, it’s pretty obvious I have horrible social anxiety that affects me day-to-day. In some instances, I manage to cope with it, and then there are other times I get so overly stimulated that I freeze.

Today, something happened to cause me to do just that. A coworker invited me to her birthday party this evening. She was going to have some of her friends over, particularly to play cards. I wasn’t feeling too well and some other personal things came up, so I wouldn’t have been able to go regardless. Or so I felt.

Besides feeling like I would have been a real buzzkill for her party, I just became frightened at the prospect of coming across too many new people at once and becoming too socially awkward with them. This, right here, is what caused me to start feeling a bit too nervous for my own taste.

I do horribly with big groups. I am OK with a few people. If they are strangers to boot, it makes me feel very shy and bashful. I already feel like the odd one among a small company of individuals, so a larger group makes me feel even more isolated.

I feel genuinely bad as well. My coworker is really nice, so I feel like a jerk for not sucking it up and heading over to her shindig. Because of situations like this, I realize now how devastating my social anxiety has been throughout my whole dang life.

It’s a barrier I have to break down, at least partially so I can venture out from my own self-created bubble once in a while.

I’ll be frank. I have not been invited to many parties throughout my life for whatever reason. I went to a few when I was a child, plus a few more here and there throughout middle school, high school and college.

Perhaps it’s because I give the impression that I don’t do well at parties … Or maybe I have always been too nerdy to get invited to such things? So collectively, I am not a party animal by any stretch of the imagination. Heck, even being dragged to parties by my parents as a kid proved to yield the same kind of response.

I would retreat and find my own space. I hardly mingled with others, and instead I opted for privacy. Maybe it was too much chitchat for someone like me. Maybe it was too loud. Whatever the case, parties aren’t my scene. And maybe they will never will be.

At the same time, there is a sense of loneliness as I write out this post. I feel guilty for missing my coworker’s party. She was the one to invite me, after all. I didn’t ask for her to invite me out of pity or anything. She gave me a warm, genuine invitation.

Gosh, I just feel compelled to do something to balance out the universe. I may not be very ideal or made for parties in my current state of social anxiety, but I do appreciate the thought of being invited.

In time, I want to stop letting this social anxiety dictate so much of my life to this degree. I know the personal stuff would have made it hard to go to the party, but gosh! I want to have some semblance as an outgoing guy.

Being a homebody all the time isn’t so fun on days like this. Definitely not fun at all.

“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction

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