Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.
Day 60’s Topic: Feeling mad.
At the risk of sounding like I am paraphrasing The Incredible Hulk, I will go out and say it.
Every day, I feel angry. Angry in the sense that there is always something there, brooding, festering … whatever you want to call it. I know it’s there. I can feel it.
It’s like I have my anger simmering in another pot on the stove top, I’m never turning up the heat, but always I’m being conscious of it. As of late, it seems to become more apparent I am an angry person on the inside.
Not crazy mad, mind you, but just a little temper I have to contain in conjunction with my mood swings. There have been many days where I keep recalling all of the stuff that has made me super furious for whatever reason.
People cutting me out of their life.
Whatever it may be, no matter how serious, no matter how trivial, I guess a lot of it has lingered. It persists. It refuses to go away.
In fact, I have pondered whether I would rather feel sad or mad. And to be frank – I kind of wish I could feel a little blue rather than red hot. At the very least, I know being a depressed dude doesn’t hurt anyone. Being that person who can turn volatile at any point is dangerous, on the other hand. Both to themselves and others.
I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I have a ticking time bomb inside my heart, just waiting to explode at some undefined moment in time.
It scares the heck out of me.
I wish I could just magically cool and fan these flames in my heart. I wish I could flip a switch and extinguish these particular feelings like there was no emergency whatsoever.
But that’s the thing.
I get it. Things happen. You learn from it, and then you can hopefully avoid being burned from a particular incident twice. For me, I took it all in, and all I have to show for it is a lot of anger I don’t know what to do with …
The warning signs are there. I probably should seek a professional for help, such as a therapist, to help pinpoint what keeps this bonfire of emotions burning. I know very well I am the one who keeps adding fuel to the fire by some means, and I guess part of me just wants to make sure the heat is still there for some unknown reason.
In a sense, I haven’t let a lot of that stuff go from my life. Not one bit, I suppose.
Life is getting good for me as well. I have a lot of reasons to stop being so mad, plenty of reasons to be thankful and happy. And yet, these kind of unhealthy emotions don’t want to stop reminding me. I want to go day-to-day without feeling like I have a lit fuse behind me. If I ever blow up … I don’t know what’s gonna happen. Honestly.
Someone, please put out this fire for me …
“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction