The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
By all means, I have been an enigma as an individual.
I have been scatterbrained.
I have lacked focus.
I have been struggling to muster up adequate motivation to achieve what needs to be done in a timely fashion.
So as a result, I feel “incomplete” at the moment. For a long time now, my goals seem unclear even to myself. My aspirations seem distant. My determination, though constant, isn’t as strong as it should be in the face of my own limits and weaknesses.
I feel like I am dawdling. I feel like I am not being productive when I have all the tools and means to accomplish everything I put my mind to, and this herein lies the main problem with myself – the enigma that is my well-being is broken up into so many pieces.
For me to become “OK” when everything is said and done, it’s up to me to figure out how to tackle this puzzle on my own and ultimately solve it so I can finally discover the big picture waiting for me when I finish.
Will the payoff be worth it in the end? I sure hope so. There are no guarantees, but one has to have some sense of optimism for themselves. Life’s a really twisted game in this regard. It’s not like these pieces are all right in front of me. No way. Definitely not the case.
Everything has been thrown around all over the place, adding further difficulty to something that has already presented itself as a grueling challenge.
Trust me. I know firsthand.
It’s been five years and counting. It doesn’t get any easier. It just goes to show how much perseverance one has to have to keep trying. Because, let’s face it – I began this game while already missing a few pieces from this puzzle to begin with when the personal meltdown took effect.
Allow me to explain.
Prior to this journey, I was already experiencing all kinds of depression symptoms and whatnot before graduating college. It was inevitable that some kind of disastrous breakdown would occur, so it was only a matter of time the emotion train would derail off the tracks completely.
My senior year in college was, at least to me, a difficult one. I worked all the time.
Two full-time(ish) jobs as a student on top of schoolwork is a lot for anyone.
I was an editor at my college paper. I was very good at finding spelling errors and whatnot. A glorified spellchecker, if you will.
My other job was just something to make sure I got a little extra scratch each paycheck. It was just a mindless gig at a dining center. Flipping burgers, making sandwiches and all of that good stuff.
I’ll give you a hint – the second job would prove really relevant down the road when it came to realizing what I have passion for these days.
Anyway, I was a full-time student with two jobs to my name. All I did was work. I hardly deviated from this, except on maybe the holidays. Regardless, it took a toll on me after a while.
I hardly paid that much attention to my studies or anything like that. I didn’t have a social life. I just mainly worked, sort of went to class and then tried to squeeze in some “dink around” time at night before repeating this unhealthy cycle over and over again.
But despite all of this, no matter how crummy I truly felt on some given days, I wanted to stick to my guns and keep pressing onward toward my dream of becoming a journalist.
But alas, this would only set me up for further failure, disappointment and a lot of disheartening pain. I would become discouraged. I would become enfeebled. I would lose basically all of my confidence as an aspiring journalist, let alone a human being, as someone who just wanted to graduate from school and get a “big boy” job, you know?
I will never forget the first year and a half after graduation. It sucked so bad. When all you could do was blast out resumes, send them all over and receive hardly any responses back to acknowledge your existence, one can’t help but feel really blue after a while …
I can easily sum up what I did a lot for that year and a half before I found any sense of a minor comeback.
I woke up, played video games (League of Legends was my drug), went upstairs to eat, slept and then kept doing this for a long time.
I was a jobless, penniless scrub who lived at home with his parents. I was ashamed of myself, but I was losing my mind. Unemployment really does a number on both your wallet and self-esteem.
Within this year and a half, I was on a self-destructive path. My puzzle, my very notion of life, became jumbled as the inner turmoil built up. After a year a half, all the pieces went missing.
I was an emotional wreck.
I was a loser.
I was in trouble.
Yes, I was in trouble.
As I always emphasize, had things continued at this rate even deeper down the downward spiral, it would have been game over. I would have been finished. Kaput.
No matter what word you choose to describe what I was going through, I technically needed some kind of extreme help.
Counseling. Therapy. I don’t know. A hospital stay or two?
Something. Anything other than what I did instead for a long while would have been better than just being a stay-at-home geek who couldn’t afford to pay rent to mommy and daddy.
But no more.
Despite all of the stupid crap I have gone through, I am thankful to be alive today. I am grateful I have had life give me a bone here and there to survive all of this and then some.
I continue to survive, but deep down I really want to thrive and be successful as a person.
I want to make others proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. I should be.
I just have to scrape up some gumption to continue finding all the pieces that are missing in my life. Even if it takes me awhile (OK, a really long while), then I should at least be content that any kind of progress toward completing the big picture is always something worthwhile.
I may be an enigma at the moment, but I have to solve all the inner riddles to understand myself completely.
The pieces are somewhere. I have to find them.
Now, where did I find my sense of willpower? Oh right, it’s already right here. 🙂
“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction