The 54th Deadline: Waiting in the Darkness

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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For five years and counting, I have been waiting in my own perpetual darkness. At one point, I feared for the worst when my world crumbled around me, and I couldn’t help but “run away” from my insecurities and problems instead of facing them directly like a courageous person.

Alas, I was a weak individual. A scaredy-cat. Insert whatever negative word. It doesn’t matter.

The point is, ultimately, I ran away to hide from my problems. Much like a child who hides under their blanket when they get scared, I hid underneath a security blanket called cowardice.

I was hoping the spooky stuff would magically go away, It didn’t. Instead, things grew more and more intense as time went on, which elevated my dilemma into a personal, full-blown disaster.

So I moped away in my own darkness, letting it consume me from within until I had enough of it.

I waited like the problems could go away on their own if I endured, thinking perhaps light would come shining in to illuminate the right path before me. Eventually. Eventually, I kept thinking.

It didn’t happen like that. Not quite, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. When you’re a depressed mess, things just get to you. I certainly had my share of self-defeating thoughts that could last me a lifetime.

But after a while, you get weary of the constant negativity. You want to squelch all of the, “It’s never going to get better” remnants floating around in your mind. In their place, you have to scrape up some sense of hope, some sense of optimism that things will in fact improve.

And they have for me, albeit slowly. Everything has been a gradual crawl, but hey … at least it’s in the right direction!

To wait in this darkness for so long, one must think I am nuts, right?

urlBut as someone who knows a thing or two firsthand about being super depressed, you can’t fix it overnight. You can’t just flip the switch and then suddenly become well again.

There is no such panacea, no such remedy, no such solution for something that afflicts so many people throughout the world.

Basically, there is no quick fix for depression. Instead, one could argue it’s probably just as painful to undo the damage going the other way. I truly have learned a lot during this healing process.

Regardless of your looks, your gender, your financial status, this and that … depression doesn’t care. It affects so many different types of people, and lots of people are in fact caught up in their own respective darkness that they rightfully choose to hide.

There are ways to cope and treat depression so it’s less apparent, but it’s still there.

It lingers.

It persists.

It never quite seems to disappear from you. There will always be some kind of trace left behind.

It’s like a scar you can’t get rid of. No matter how much you try to hide it, even after you find ways to cheer yourself up, the darkness will always be with you for the rest of your life.

And it’s not like we put up a facade that things are all right. It’s just that, well, who wants to be around someone projecting that kind of dark aura? No one sane … or so I would assume.

And look … I know I am a far cry from someone who should be telling others how to treat this icky depression stuff, as I am still in the middle of my own personal journey toward easing some of the pain.

But I refuse to give up. Even if it’s going to take me a bit more time, it’s better I try to dissect what’s wrong with me piece-by-piece rather than letting this darkness consume me any further.

We all may sulk in our own kind of darkness from time-to-time, but it doesn’t mean we have to let it be a permanent feeling. Why not opt for happiness instead? Why not opt for passion to motivate yourself to counteract the bad stuff?

I believe there is that special day for all of us when we can escape the darkness. at least enough to allow the real joys of life radiant toward our direction.

Someday.

I know it will be an awesome moment.

“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction

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