The 54th Deadline: Opening Up

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
There are days where I contemplate how much persistence, patience and energy I have invested toward my own “recovery” and why I haven’t quite solved all of the mysteries yet. Then again, I realize some damage is difficult to heal, and I certainly have sustained and suffered my share of problems throughout the years.

I count my blessings. I ponder about the possibilities. I think back about all that has hurt me and why I continue to dwell on stuff I should have let go completely from long ago. But regardless of what I do and what I shouldn’t do, life continues.

This is the fact we all have to acknowledge.

Life continues. And it will always do so until the end of time.

Sure, my life within these past five years have had a lot of crummy (OK, absurdly horrid) defeats in the form a lot of self-loathing and whatnot. And sure, I have had made my share of attempts at finding success in overcoming said defeats.

But of course, this is why people call it a struggle. It’s not like you can unwind everything and put it all back in its place in a nice and neat fashion. Oh heck no! That would be too easy.

The word I often say a lot now is “process,” a word that definitely reflects a lot about my current endeavors in life.

I have been undergoing a process at bettering myself. I don’t always make all the right moves. Trust me. I have made more blunders than anything else, and yet I keep taking cracks at it until things slowly move toward the direction I want it to go.B2XDebDCIAAtwNj

But is it ever enough? That’s the big question I keep asking myself.

Take these past few days, for instance. I realize the place I am living in has little to no furniture. Like, come on! I know I am not that wealthy at the moment to afford splurging on nice chairs and tables.

Keep in mind I am someone who spent a few months eating his meals off of a tub, a literal tub, where I placed a paper towel on to keep the surface clean. And not to mention, this tub was what I used to sit by the computer as well.

Was I being resourceful with what I had (I was, by all means, super poor at the time), or was I just not smart about it?

Anyway, what I am trying to get at is … well, to be blunt, I need to start elevating my life by some means. I can’t keep on living like this forever. I have aspirations. I have the means to do what I need to do to get out of this poverty-ridden life.

However, perhaps I have just been too wary about sending parts of my paycheck toward improving my place. Like, I realize I am not the most sociable person. I haven’t even invited anyone over to my place as I do love my privacy.

But this in itself creates a lot of loneliness. I want to be a “great” person, both socially and in terms of success, yet where is the real appeal without people to enjoy it with you?

What’s the point of being on top of your own mountain without anyone to cheer you on?

It’s thoughts like this that compel me to find what I need to do for achieving what I should be achieving already.

Sure, I manage. Sure, I don’t starve. Sure, I don’t worry about getting by, but I really do want to thrive.

Ugh, it is so frustrating. There are days I just feel like I recall all of the stupid stuff when so many positives are right around me, just encouraging me to keep going toward my goals.

I just have to keep trucking, or so I think. At one point, I’ll finally be happy with who I am.

“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction



2 thoughts on “The 54th Deadline: Opening Up

  1. Sunite May 27, 2015 / 3:52 am

    Agreed, plus nice setup you got there. And I see you play Dota, I’m more of a league player, never played dota before.


    • Nhan Fiction May 27, 2015 / 10:51 pm

      I played the first Dota, played League for a few years and now am playing Dota 2. And thank you. 🙂


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