The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.
I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.
Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.
Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.
It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.
I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.
But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.
Could it be another bout with depression?
Is it something along this line?
Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?
I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.
“Get good. Be better.”
It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.
And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.
I want this blog to become something that people will speak about at some point in the future.
I want others to come across this blog, my ramblings, my thoughts on various topics, and of course walk away with an impression that doesn’t go away.
I want to be remembered.
If I were to disappear tomorrow, would anyone remember me?
This thought scares me. It compels me to take action. It strikes fear in me because I feel like I have not done so many things I want to accomplish in life.
But here I am. Typing away. Thinking about stuff.
But I need to seize the moment. I need to think about how I can tackle a given obstacle until the doors open for me in a favorable manner.
In time, I hope everything works out. I believe it will. I really do.
“Remember the name.” – Nhan Fiction