The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
It’s been a little more than five years and counting.
If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.
I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.
Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.
I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
No one likes to be disturbed in this kind of state. I was no different. I clung to the hope that everything would fall into place for me, at least eventually. I thought, just maybe, the stars would line up perfectly and shire light toward the direction I needed to go. Just maybe. Just maybe. It was always a maybe back then. Always …
All I wanted as a college graduate was to land that “good job” you are supposed to strive for after getting that degree. That was it. I wanted to move out from my parents and be on my own. I knew things were going to be tough, regardless if I did in fact score that dream position.
This was, after all, my naive brain in action. I did not really fathom how much “growing up” I lacked at this point in my maturity. Nope/ Not a clue. Borderline ignorant, even.
So with all of this factored in, at least nowadays, I find myself unwillingly relieving some of the experiences of self-loathing and whatnot. I somewhat understand my misery. I say somewhat because there are pieces to the personal puzzle missing from the big picture.
Sure, at face value, one could just say, “Nhan was depressed because he couldn’t get the kind of job he wanted.”
But it wasn’t that simple or straightforward. Yes, getting that elusive job title was definitely a reason why I fell into my slump. I will not deny this. However, I cannot say this was the sole reason because it’s more complicated than that.
If that were the case, I wouldn’t have been in such big denial over the “D word” for depression. Even long before the real pain started to take effect, I knew something was out of sync with my well-being. Mind you, I wasn’t the healthiest person to begin with, nor was I the happiest by any means. But I suppose I persevered in my own ways.
I just did not want to accept the fact that I was depressed. There’s that denial again. Denial is quite powerful, don’t you think? It causes you to overlook the obvious stuff in front of you, causing problems to build up and get out of hand.
Think about it.
I had denial draped over my eyes for literally years. By the time I peeked enough the denial to see what was ahead of me, I was in a pretty bad spot. I was in trouble.
Nonetheless, knowing about an issue and solving it are two entirely different concepts. Even to this day, I’m still always to figure out my depression and understand my past miseries. It’s a challenging obstacle in every sense of the word.
This depression won’t go away very easily. And it has been an, at times, overwhelming presence in my life.
I want to recover.
I want to heal.
I want to become absolutely happy about my life and leave that bad stuff behind me. For good.
“RTN! REMEMBER THE NAME!” – Nhan Fiction