The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.
Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.
As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.
For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.
On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.
But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.
On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.
Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.
I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.
And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.
At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.
Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.
But that was then. This is now.
Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force.
I do want to blog about the fun stuff here and there, but the negative elements seem to be around me all the time. I keep trying to avoid it, but it always finds its way back into my life.
Somehow. Always. It never ends, in a sense.
There is a lot of negativity to wade through, despite all of my personal progress. I still get people who try to put me down. I still get people who try to discourage me.
I still get people who want me to feel bad about how I have been over the years. And you know what?
Those people can go die in a fire. Seriously.
There is no point in trying to reasoning with people who are like that. I don’t want sympathy from people. I want understanding. I want a sense of empathy that, “Hey, I get it,” and nothing more.
I want people to realize that I am who I am, both the good and the bad, because of what I have had to endure throughout this ongoing depression. Depression never truly goes away, at least without masking it.
At the same time, I guess I don’t want to succumb to the negativity. Deep down, I like to think that I can help others who are going through their respective battles like myself.
But yeah, apologies for the all-over-the-place post and all. I have a lot on my mind. I am hoping I have something figured out that I can work with for the sake of this blog.
“RTN – REMEMBER THE NAME!” – Nhan Fiction