The 54th Deadline: Always Looking Back

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The 54th Deadline: If only I could always keep my eyes looking toward the future. Seriously.


There are many days where I wish I could “turn off” the past in my mind. I feel like I am reminded of it every day constantly. It seems there is no way for me to block it off mentally, at least with anything short of me suffering from full-blown amnesia.

There have been plenty of good memories, and certainly there have been many bad and horrible ones as well, but the major issue is how I find myself always anchored because of what is behind me.

I want to move forward. I want to dash toward my next stage in life. I want to get there as fast as I can, and yet here I am just moving along so slowly. This snail-like pace has bothered me, but at the same time I realize it’s life’s way of forcing me to be ever patient.

My time will come. At least, I hope so anyway.

Obviously, there should be some eagerness to achieve the next big thing. I want to advance. I want to evolve. I want to grow as a person.

Ultimately, I want to thrive, be happy and all that jazz. If I have to look at it in another way, I guess I can’t really go from point A to point (?) without experiencing everything in between, right?

Still, I look back like I can’t take my eyes off what has happened to me. I know I am inching along with plenty of forward progress, but it’s become an unwanted habit of being obsessed with what has lain behind me for literally five years and counting.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I just accept what’s done is done and just carry on without a second thought?

I am always looking back. I am always looking at what has happened as opposed to focusing on what’s ahead of me.

Deep down, I clearly have plenty of issues tied to the “what if” scenarios that play out numerous times. It’s as if I have grown used to them.

Sadly.

But that’s the thing about it all. I screwed up. That’s all there really is to it. Conversely, without me screwing up, I would not be where I am today. I am someone who is surviving, not thriving, but definitely still trying. I am definitely still trying to put the pieces in place.

And of course, I do accept I made a lot more mistakes than correct decisions. I wouldn’t be in my current situation (albeit, it’s not a bad one by any means) if certain parts panned out the way I ideally would have wanted.

Still, I have persisted.

I have persevered.

To endure this much for someone like me has been a real testament for me personally. It’s been some kind of noteworthy resilience.

Trust me. As someone who has been a coward, a weakling, a person who you wouldn’t associate with words like “tough” or “strong,” I have come a long way.

I have many made strides that I should in fact be very proud of, but I find myself discontent. I don’t want to belittle my own advancements or anything like that.

At the end of the day, I have to appreciate my various victories over the years.

For me to move forward, I need to stop peeking so much in the past. What’s there is there. What lies ahead of me is where my real attention should be shifted toward, at least for the near future.

“RTN – REMEMBER THE NAME!” – Nhan Fiction

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