The 54th Deadline: Change is inevitable. I can accept this fact now with complete readiness.
This is a peculiar thing to admit on so many levels, but I have accepted I am abnormally a late bloomer in many regards. Certain feelings and elements about myself, over the years, were essentially still in development. Or so to speak.
My naive self before I graduated school thought I could remain the way I was: immature, overly shy, socially awkward and so forth. I legitimately thought things would work out in the end.
They didn’t. Not at all.
And that’s why I fell apart at the seams. That’s why I spent a good year and a half just trying to hang in there. I was completely and utterly destroyed from within, and my only real choices were to let myself self-destruct even further or do something positive to get myself back in order.
Obviously, I opted for the latter. It was really hard at first. It was one of the most challenging ordeals I had ever put myself through, but it was all necessary. Going back to the late bloomer thing, I guess you could say I somehow reverted back even more, maturity-wise, as a person.
Essentially, I regressed mentally in a lot of ways. I was no longer that young adult in his early 20s anymore. I felt like an overgrown kid whose physical age said more than 20, but in my mind it was like probably being a 16-year-old teenager again. It sure felt like I was someone in high school again who didn’t have a clue about the “real world” yet.
These days, I have a lot to think about in regards to what has happened and how I am going to bounce back in the long term. There are many aspects about myself that elude me, yet I am extremely aware of one thing: I’m changing.
I am changing in so many ways. I am going through so many inner transitions that I can’t even keep up with them all. Heck, even as I type this blog post out, I can feel that I am an entirely different person.
Years ago, I could write this whole blog post out and “feel” out the words I am typing out on my keyboard, but I can’t quite do that anymore. Not in the same manner. I once was able to tell if a word was spelled right or wrong based simply on typing it out.
Nope. That “power” isn’t here to this day. Let’s just say I find myself double-checking my spelling a lot more than usual. The prior me, the one in college anyway, was capable of that all-star editor stuff. Not this current me.
But you know what?
That’s OK with me. It’s completely and totally OK.
I am becoming someone else.
I tell myself constantly that I have a bigger purpose down the road. I just don’t know what it is yet.
You have to think this way.
You just have to.
Otherwise, who the heck will?
Transitions sure are tricky, don’t you think?
I just feel like … someone else on certain days. It’s a weird thing to say without any context. Don’t get me wrong. Particular things still linger, for better or worse. I don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.
For example, I still like a lot of random nerdy stuff like anime and video games, but my interests in them have certainly shifted around and I just find myself liking them to a lesser degree.
I still watch anime here and there, I still game when I can, but I guess I have learned how to prioritize (somewhat) better. I just can’t sit around to watch shows and play games whenever. I definitely was someone who would binge on this kind of stuff like I was truly addicted.
Each day, i just seldom watch shows or play games. I try to sprinkle in some hours each week, but just trying to survive independently has taken over my daily routine.
Still, treating myself to a show or video game once in a while isn’t a bad thing. I think I will do that today.
Who knows? When this transition is over, I will probably end up meeting myself halfway and really try to figure out what I truly like and don’t like to do as far as interests go. I just wonder if I am just stuck in a rut or it’s just me still moving all the pieces over before I can rebuild the “new me” once and for all.
Ugh, time will tell. I guess it’s better to transition than be stuck the way I was.
“RTN – REMEMBER THE NAME!” – Nhan Fiction