The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.
There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.
One who is mean.
One who is not as forgiving.
One who is not as thoughtful.
Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.
If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.
Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.
On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”
Payback for what?
Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?
This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.
In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.
For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.
I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.
Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.
How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?
I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
I want the harmony of my two sides to come together someday. I do believe we all technically struggle with our respective yin-yang battles.
You can’t have one without the other. Likewise, I cannot always be so happy and cheerful when the equally important contrast needs to be taken into account.
It’s a tough struggle, no doubt. And for me, personally, I just don’t know which side to trust on those certain days where the lines become blurred.
I feel I should be content with what I have going for me, hanging in there day-by-day with a little extra progress for good measure when things go correct. The alternative would be to speed up, so to speak.
Speed up what I would like to accomplish.
Speed up and accelerate toward the next thing on the path.
Ugh, this is all so challenging to decipher. My mind has been such a mess in a lot of ways. I have been slowly putting the pieces back together, but nothing is fitting quite right. The picture remains unclear.
I don’t have a general end result I can use as a guideline.
Which side do I listen to for the time being? I have no clue.
Someday, I should get my ultimate answer when each side comes to grips with the situation. In the time being, it’s just me seeing the ambiguous gray being made as the black and white come together.
“RTN!” – Nhan Fiction