It’s been clear to me that certain voids are preventing me from feeling whole as a person.
Life is wonderful, but it also has a lot of bad stuff to it.
Now mind you, I wonder if it’s the gloomy side in me talking, but lately I haven’t been able to feel “happy” as much as I should. Mood swings aside, I feel like I have fallen into another one of my various ruts. After going through this song and dance a few times before, am I more prepared to deal with it now?
I am a survivor by all means. I am a survivor in the sense that I endured, mustered up some semblance of courage in the face of personal defeat and kept going. No matter how rough it got, I had to hang in there.
Well, I just had to. It’s my only life to live. Still, it’s not like things just got any easier per se. I just got stronger. But even with extra strength to my name, I find myself feeling mighty weak, almost ineffective at times.
It disheartens me. It makes me think, “What’s the point?” on those particular challenging days. This last week has been making me feel crappy about it all, and I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy.
At the end of the day, I write on this blog to vent. It’s my necessary outlet. Otherwise, I would just end up bottling feelings I shouldn’t be bottling. I would let certain emotions fester into something toxic, something that ends up poisoning me until I will face literal health problems.
Loss of appetite.
Loss of interest.
Loss of energy.
Loss of feeling motivated to, well, enjoy life.
I have had all of this and more, and it feels like I am experiencing a “fun-sized” version of these symptoms. God forbid I get the full package at this rate.
With this in mind, I can’t help but feel… on my own so so speak. I feel like I need to talk to someone else about this, but it’s hard to get people to lend you their ears when it feels like just a gesture to them more than a therapeutic practice.
I get it.
I lost too many friends over this depression and whatnot. I know I was not Mr. Popular prior to all of this self-imploding, but dang… I valued what friends I had.
Having gone down that path before, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. I should have gone to a professional for that kind of stuff. I needed to talk to someone whose job is to listen to the kind of problems I was dealing with back then.
I became too dependent on those phone calls, e-mails and Skype conversations about everything messing me up. I was too needy. I drove people away from me gradually over time.
And most of those friends are gone by now because of it. They have moved on with their lives. I find myself just struggling to keep myself intact, let alone position myself toward success.
Chances are, I have to admit, they don’t even remember me anymore. And that hurts. I am probably nothing more than a distant memory at this point.
Sigh, this just makes me think I need to re-evaluate everything I have, and see what’s helping or hurting my progress.
I need a change of pace. That’s a given.
I need something to clear up some of the chaos from within, and maybe then I can find some hope to salvage myself before I fall back into that abyss of misery and self-loathing.
There is only so much I can do as an individual. I am not Superman. I am only human, after all.
I know I have my flaws.
I realize I am difficult to work with for a variety of reasons.
But my goodness, I am a mess. And I know it.
I know I am falling victim to my own frustrations.
I am scared. I am scared that this is just another one of life’s tests that will make or break me.
It’s never easy. It’s never easy, huh?
At least, for me anyway.
There comes a point where this emptiness makes you question your own humanity. It makes me think about why I exist on this planet, and if I even matter.
Obviously, I do want to matter. Not for the sake of history or any of the jazz. But in general, I want to matter to someone.
I am at a point where I know I should seek help, but I have consequently made myself unapproachable at the same time. Does this make sense?
Ugh, curse my inept ability of making others want to come to me. I have always had a bad habit of isolating myself, and I have grown up even too shy and reluctant to ask for aid.
But now I have grown up. And being older means the problems get bigger and trickier to tackle. This isn’t just getting a boo-boo on my knee because I fell down as a toddler. I am facing life wounds that can prove fatal for me in terms of personal growth.
For me to heal and get myself into tip-top shape, I have to figure this all out. Somehow. Somehow in this confusing universe, I will put the pieces together.
Otherwise, I am in for another tough road ahead.
“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction