“I believe your greatest enemy is the one you look at the mirror every single day.”
I am my own worst enemy.
It’s a fact I have to accept. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be able to advance for me.
The less I fight it, the more I can tolerate constantly “clashing” with myself. Over and over again. It seems almost nonstop, but I know it’s been me dictating the pace throughout the years.
I have clashed with myself since the beginning of this difficult journey. I hate how I have let this go on for so long, but at the same time… It seems ultimately necessary at this point in the game.
I could have nipped this problem in the bud when I saw the first few signs of bad stuff to come. Because I didn’t, everything was allowed to manifest into something vile and unstable.
It didn’t help that I was already at my wit’s end. It also didn’t help that I was too incompetent to resist and overcome the negativity early on when I still had some real fight left in me.
Instead, I buckled under the pressure. I crumbled piece-by-piece from within, and the remains just sat idle until I forced myself to rebuild the foundation. It took me a long time before I could say I had scrounged up some real hope for myself, something that I could cling to for dear life as the wake of the depressing storm cleared up.
In many regards, I am happy for myself. I am proud that I stayed diligent throughout my ongoing recovery. Nonetheless, slow progress doesn’t seem like it’s enough anymore. And that’s the part that scares me. I clash with myself endlessly at times. I am torn by conflicted thoughts and emotions.
Perhaps I yearn for an easy solution, a reasonable remedy that cures what ails me. But for that to be possible, I assume I would have found it by now.
And thus, I continue to clash with myself over random topics.
My direction in life.
My feelings toward people.
My sense of purpose.
My overall well-being.
All of this, from within, feels scattered and disorganized. I feel like I am borderline lying with myself at times as to what should be what.
At worst, I become “stuck” with what needs to be said or done. As a consequence, however, this process becomes further delayed. It is an odd situation. By all means, it is an awkward situation that makes things harder for me than they should be.
Harmony within my soul is something I definitely want to have at some point in my life.
And sometimes, and this is me being upfront, I wish I could just have a “side” from this inner tug-of-war just win already. I kind of want a victor to be decided here and now.
If that were the case, at least I would be consistently one thing, if you know what I mean.
I am an inconsistent person. I am inconsistent because I have to flip-flop between everything. I can’t just be the same for a given day, let alone for a whole week or more. It really sucks. I hate not being able to plant myself firmly in place with a side.
Instead, it really does feel like I have “another me” inside of me, just another entity trying to fight with me constantly for the mere sake of it.
I clash with this other side of me. I will continue to clash with myself until the conflict goes away.
I realize I cannot wake up tomorrow and expect all of the internal drama to subside. It can never be that easy. A lot of my problems go deeper than the surface. Something is terribly wrong with me. I can feel it.
I can’t pretend that everything is peachy or whatever when it’s not. I am not that stubborn anymore to deny something that crucial like long ago.
Well, I am just waiting for the next clash to happen.
This is the way it will have to be until I resolve the problems. Even by force.
“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction