The 54th Deadline: Clash

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“I believe your greatest enemy is the one you look at the mirror every single day.”

I am my own worst enemy.

It’s a fact I have to accept. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be able to advance for me.

The less I fight it, the more I can tolerate constantly “clashing” with myself. Over and over again. It seems almost nonstop, but I know it’s been me dictating the pace throughout the years.

I have clashed with myself since the beginning of this difficult journey. I hate how I have let this go on for so long, but at the same time… It seems ultimately necessary at this point in the game.

I could have nipped this problem in the bud when I saw the first few signs of bad stuff to come. Because I didn’t, everything was allowed to manifest into something vile and unstable.

It didn’t help that I was already at my wit’s end. It also didn’t help that I was too incompetent to resist and overcome the negativity early on when I still had some real fight left in me.

Instead, I buckled under the pressure. I crumbled piece-by-piece from within, and the remains just sat idle until I forced myself to rebuild the foundation. It took me a long time before I could say I had scrounged up some real hope for myself, something that I could cling to for dear life as the wake of the depressing storm cleared up.

In many regards, I am happy for myself. I am proud that I stayed diligent throughout my ongoing recovery. Nonetheless, slow progress doesn’t seem like it’s enough anymore. And that’s the part that scares me. I clash with myself endlessly at times. I am torn by conflicted thoughts and emotions.

Perhaps I yearn for an easy solution, a reasonable remedy that cures what ails me. But for that to be possible, I assume I would have found it by now.

And thus, I continue to clash with myself over random topics.

My direction in life.

My feelings toward people.

My sense of purpose.

My overall well-being.

All of this, from within, feels scattered and disorganized. I feel like I am borderline lying with myself at times as to what should be what.

At worst, I become “stuck” with what needs to be said or done. As a consequence, however, this process becomes further delayed. It is an odd situation. By all means, it is an awkward situation that makes things harder for me than they should be.

2633525_1335116635577.12res_500_283Harmony within my soul is something I definitely want to have at some point in my life.

And sometimes, and this is me being upfront, I wish I could just have a “side” from this inner tug-of-war just win already. I kind of want a victor to be decided here and now.

If that were the case, at least I would be consistently one thing, if you know what I mean.

I am an inconsistent person. I am inconsistent because I have to flip-flop between everything. I can’t just be the same for a given day, let alone for a whole week or more. It really sucks. I hate not being able to plant myself firmly in place with a side.

Instead, it really does feel like I have “another me” inside of me, just another entity trying to fight with me constantly for the mere sake of it.

I clash with this other side of me. I will continue to clash with myself until the conflict goes away.

I realize I cannot wake up tomorrow and expect all of the internal drama to subside. It can never be that easy. A lot of my problems go deeper than the surface. Something is terribly wrong with me. I can feel it.

I can’t pretend that everything is peachy or whatever when it’s not. I am not that stubborn anymore to deny something that crucial like long ago.

Well, I am just waiting for the next clash to happen.

This is the way it will have to be until I resolve the problems. Even by force.

“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction

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