The 54th Deadline: Method

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“The method in which we approach something is vital for the final result.”

A particular quote has been on my mind as of late…

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Sadly, this quote is quite applicable to me in a variety of ways.

I am very stubborn when it comes to change. Old habits die hard for me. I am not someone who can change his ways with ease. I delay the change. I think about it. I mull over every aspect of it.

Gradually, if I am lucky, some sort of shift will be made. And then, and only then, will something stick. But it’s going to take a long while. I don’t shift gears for the task at hand. It’s more like I take my sweet time to take the gears out and then put in a whole set of parts to replace them.

Unfortunately, this accounts for why my healing process over the years has been taking forever. Back then, I knew I had to alter some elements with my lifestyle to get the recovery process off the ground.

I needed to get the ball rolling with better actions instead of waiting for something to happen to me. I basically should have been way more proactive. Being reactive when you are in a pinch is setting yourself up for failure.

What was my main problem back then? I needed a job. Any job.

What did I do instead? I chased blindly after pipe dreams. I narrowed my sights on something far away, with no real way of ensuring I would ever get to that point. I deluded myself when I should have focused on what was unraveling before my eyes.

Well, I was unraveling. I became an empty and soulless husk. I lost a lot of things like people I considered friends and whatnot. The world around me was continuing, but I was getting “trapped” in my own bubble.

What was the result? I tried to cope to ease some of the guilt. I just attempted to fill the void with random shows and video games. I was not remedying the situation at all.

And why? It was because of my method.

My c0ba36255aacc30bf9cc9a75ba0c4e03method was all wrong. My entire approach was just flawed. No way was it going to improve my life, let alone salvage me from all kinds of personal despair.

As opposed to parking my butt in that particular chair near my mattress to stare at my laptop on the old sewing machine spot, there were literally countless alternatives.

I could have picked up working out, you know… I could have gone to the gym to get physically stronger or whatever.

I could have explored different avenues.

I could have learned to play music.

I could have volunteered at an animal shelter. Anywhere.

Lots of people deviate to reach their dream jobs, so why didn’t I think outside of the box as well? Actually, no… That’s not entirely true. I did think outside of the box, but I put too many eggs in one basket…

Still, I should have been smarter about the whole thing. I was unemployed, barely able to take care of myself and I did not even know how to cook at this stage as a young adult. The horror! The shame!

I could have done something more productive in the meantime at the very least. Every day more or less, for more than a year and a half, I kept waking up to look at that computer screen.

I played so many hours of video games. I watched so many episodes of anime. I watched so many movies. What did it get me?

Hours and hours would pass, and I was gazing at that computer screen being a jobless loser. Other than that, I was either sleeping or eating. I rarely left the house. I spent most of the time in the basement, being too ashamed and wary of letting others see me. It got that bad. It was a pathetic cycle. A truly low point in my existence. I want to blur it out of my mind!

A lot of wasted time. That’s for sure.

Sure, I sent out resumes and cover letters. I legitimately applied to so many places. The job market really did suck for most people five years ago. This was not some conspiracy or a convoluted excuse. The economy was in the pits.

I was just one of many victims to the horrible economy. Regardless, I could have done more to fight against the adversity. I could have done more to get myself out of a tough spot.

I tried to escape my real troubles with all of those computer things by numbing my mind to the mess I had around me. I was too prideful as a college graduate to declare I was failing, mainly because I really did believe the universe would give me my fair shake in the job market at some point.

However, running out of money and slowly being drained of one’s spirit as a person… It takes its toll. That toll would mean I essentially lost a bunch of years out of my life that I never will get back.

And this was all because my method was crappy.

If you break a sequence of events into individual steps toward a process, it’s actually rather easy to see why every part matters, right?

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It is easy to do on paper, or more like it’s super obvious in fact. But I do believe the simplest parts can often be overlooked. One may think of them as fundamentals, but people have a tendency to disregard those areas and just try to skip ahead to the final step.

Bad idea.

Back then, what did I need to do?

Some quick thoughts come to mind…

  1. Get a job.
  2. Save up money.
  3. Move out of my parents’ place sooner when a “real” job actually hired me.
  4. Move to (new) place with said job, while using saved-up money from prior job(s) to ensure I don’t die.
  5. Thrive with my real job, allowing me to LIVE life because of (hopeful) success.

OK, no doubt I am omitting a lot of in-between steps on the list, but the main point is there. If I were wiser back then, a method like the one I just listed should have been the game plan.

Because I had a method entailing me being lazy in a variety of ways, I screwed myself over. I allowed myself to suffer. I botched a lot of opportunities because I was too fragile.

There. I said it.

These days, though finding a job isn’t the main problem anymore, I realize my current method needs to be tweaked. I am not 100 percent happy with my life at the moment. I feel like I am being shackled by the paycheck-to-paycheck existence, and thus I am not living up to my full potential.

Going back to the insanity quote earlier, I admit I have been repeating the same method again and again. I hate this loop. Everything just loops around and comes full circle, so no real progress never seems to be made the way I think it should.

I have to break the cycle. In other words, it’s time to change. For real.

I want something else to happen for once.

“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction

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