The 54th Deadline: Filling in the Blank

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“When I am feeling completely lost, I know I need another force to fill in the blank.”

By all means, I am not a religious person. I don’t consider myself affiliated with any one religion out there, but these days I do find myself believing in the notion of “God” and what it means as a human being.

I see the Serenity Prayer whenever I walk downstairs on a little, card stand thing.

It of course reads:

I don’t know many prayers, but this one has always stood out to me. It’s a lot of wise words packed into a clear message.

Throughout the years, I have gone through a lot of personal hell because of the drama I set up for myself. I allowed myself to suffer when I needed the right kind of mindset to overcome what was bothering me.

Because I was such a wreck, there came a point where I basically had to turn to God. When you are feeling down and out, it’s only natural to start looking into alternatives. Not to sound preachy or anything, but God was one of those things I began to accept when I was feeling entirely like a lost soul.

And I am glad I did. No regrets there.

I know a lot of my blog posts flip-flop from positive and negative tones. It’s been how my life has played out over the years. I bounce around the emotional spectrum. I have felt plenty of anger, sadness and everything else in between, and then I deal with all again in different quantities as new obstacles present themselves before me.

There are those particular days where I just wish I could just be more consistent with what I am feeling. But perhaps amid this confusion, amid all of the stuff that sends me into a frenzy, I have to trust that God has a plan for me. Only in a matter of time, and only then, will I find solace and true purpose for my existence.

I was once very smug, arrogant even, about religion and God. I thought you could live life in a very moral sense without religion. Quite frankly, I essentially looked down on people who were religious. I thought they were wasting their time and energy.

I was a cocky punk back then. Gosh, I would hit my old self if I could…

Regardless, my viewpoints of religion as a whole has since changed by a lot.

In reality, if you look past all of the negative elements often associated with modern religion, it’s not all bad to have a designated faith to your name.

It’s not about going to a certain church on a certain day. It’s not about what you wear around your neck to demonstrate your faith. It’s all about having that belief in that one particular force out there that isn’t quite scientific, isn’t quite magical and yet you just kind of have to think it… exists. Like it’s there, and you just have to TRUST that it’s there for a reason.

Like I always hint, I go back and forth between feeling both the bad and good parts about life. The darkness and the light.
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Because I have fallen into both extremes throughout the past few years, I see how delicate of a balance it is to maintain for my own well-being.

On extremely challenging days, I question who I am and where I stand as a person. It sounds silly and a bit melodramatic to admit, but it is the kind of stuff that goes through my head constantly.

First and foremost, I do think I am a good person in many ways. I can be very kindhearted, thoughtful and I can certainly put other people’s needs before my own.

However, the other side of the coin reveals a drastically different person altogether.

The other side, to be blunt, is greedy, unforgiving, malicious, hellbent on achieving goals and a whole lot more.

It definitely feels like I am hosting two different personalities who are in a constant clash. It is like I am housing an ongoing battle that will never cease at this rate. A long-winded struggle. A battle of attrition. No clear victor in sight.

Alas, it’s how my life is. I have gradually accepted it a long time ago. Part of me wants to change this fact about me, but this is where my real hope that God can provide me with the clarity I seek.

I desperately desire to take my life to the next stage. I want to figure myself out once and for all, mainly because having two different sets of ideal duking it out is counterproductive.

God, I must trust you that you will grant me the appropriate answer to fill in the blank in due time…

I have faith.

“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction 

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