“I have been constantly searching for that one spark that charges up everything.”
I get it.
Throughout the years, I have undergone various changes. I lost a lot of confidence back then, and a lot of my issues forced me to rebuild from the ground up. I accept that I have regressed in terms of maturity, status and in many other facets.
Still, no matter how much I have technically struggled up to this point, I still continue. It’s the asterisk, that glaring * symbol, I want to put by my name until further notice. Nhan is a work in progress. Emphasis on the ‘in progress’ part.
Right as I type this, I believe I am getting closer and closer to crossing the threshold and finally reaching the next stage.
But consequently, I find myself repeating over again like a broken record. It’s like I am cycling through the same sequence of thinking I have the momentum to get to the next checkpoint, only to discover I am further behind than I realized. And it happens a second time. A third time. And so on and so on…
Will there ever be an end in sight?
I just want to break this curse already. This is a curse I have cast on myself years ago because I was too much of a wreck to stop it. I admit now that a lot of what I deal with today is on me. Holding yourself accountable is a key aspect. Being in denial and shifting blame gets you nowhere.
Certain things have not been easy for me, so subjecting myself to a lot of trial and error throughout these five years and counting has both humbled and forced me to develop a sense of perseverance.
Our personal stories don’t always play out like fairy tales for many people. We all would like to think that if we play our cards right, get good grades, keep our noses clean and then the universe would magically owe us a favor when the dust settles.
For me, I clearly didn’t do enough.
I truly thought I would have had my really awesome, jealousy-inducing career (or two) by now.
I truly thought I would have been married by now with kids.
I truly thought I would be living in some random state and not still living here in Washington in the Pacific Northwest, with a nice house and all that jazz.
Of course, I have since had to ask for a rain check for all of those ideals. Once my act is together, then maybe…
I think it’s more than OK to put things on hold when the situation calls for it.
I wouldn’t have had a reason to start this blog in the first place, or so I think, if I wasn’t so preoccupied with fantasies and delusions of grandeur. After all, as I stress so much, this all began as a depression blog. It still is by all means, but the sense of depression has shifted over the years into something (somewhat) more manageable for me. It’s manageable in the sense that I am stronger now physically, mentally and emotionally, but I have to say that sometimes depression does have its day.
Not bad for someone who was too embarrassed to take medicine or go through the likes of professional treatment, don’t you think? Not hating on that stuff or anything like that. If anything, I was just too ashamed back then to go through with it all. It probably would have cut down the recovery time drastically.
As I have hinted in the past few weeks, hindsight tells me I should have been hospitalized back then. I wasn’t, and I suffered as a result.
Would I have turned out differently if I would have been placed on some kind of medical prescription, with frequent appointments seeing a therapist and a better outlook on my circumstances?
By all means, that’s a definite YES and a half.
But I didn’t, so that’s where I find myself.
These days, a lot of it is just laying out the framework for the ultimate comeback. I think my heart is in the right place, the ideal system is lined up and all I really need is that one certain spark to bring it all to life.
I need something to jolt me in just the right fashion that I overcome my problems once and for all. I need that one thing to turn on the particular light bulb upstairs, signaling me with the exact action I need to make it all possible.
Trust me. Someday, my wish with this blog is to make it so I can cut down and hopefully stop talking about the “D” word so much. Depression sucks to have. It is something that has drained me of motivation, siphons my progress and is literally detrimental to your health. Anyone who says depression doesn’t actually do anything to your mind and body are wrong. Flat-out wrong.
I don’t think anyone wants to feel like something is powering them down constantly. To be frank, that’s what it feels like for me more so as of late.
These hidden battles are getting more noticeable. They are affecting me every day, and I am scared if I am teetering along the lines of disaster. I am totally frightened of the thought that I will revert back and undo everything I have done in all of these five years.
I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to break apart. I don’t want to feel like a broken machine that needs to be repaired. Again…
“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction