“When something has festered within you for so long, is an antidote still possible?”
Despite all I have been personally through, no matter how far I have come, a certain “poison” still lingers in me. Its effects are day-by-day, but sometimes I am harshly reminded how much some of it has built up over the years.
This certain poison…
It’s comprised of various bad emotions and then some.
Basically, if it’s something a normal person wouldn’t want, especially in large doses, imagine all of that wrapped ever so tightly into a nasty mix of negative feelings. This particular mix gets buried deep within your very soul, and you can feel it in your heart. It festers, grows a little bit here and there and you want to pretend it doesn’t exist.
Maybe, just maybe, it will go away someday. Maybe, just maybe, it won’t ever bother you again. But then at some point, you end up like me. You realize you can’t get rid of it that easily, if at all.
It sucks. I don’t think anyone would want to experience this kind of poison. It plagues my everyday existence. I cannot simply forget because it is ongoing. On one hand, I wish I could magically cure myself. I realize who I am at this very moment in time stems from this poison acting as the initial catalyst.
And with this in mind, it is why I am reminded to fight against it as humanly possible. I don’t want this poison to define me, but its strength is undeniable. Many people, unfortunately, succumb to its effects.
When everything is said and done, I don’t want to fall victim to it. It’s way too easy to do so. This poison clouds your judgment and makes you think irrationally. It turns your calm demeanor into a visible madness. It distorts your good vibes with something foul and unpleasant.
I feel like I have had to endure this kind of poison for so long. I am too frightened to tell others, even those closest to me and who have stuck by me through my worst moments, about it any further.
It’s all in your head, they would say.
It’s all in my head?
Or is it?
Or is it everywhere?
In my entire being…
Today was one of those days where I just felt so consumed from within, so helpless to this poison affecting me on such an extreme level.
Days like this make me wish I didn’t have to go through this. Days like this make me wish I could just be “normal” for once in my damn life.
But I can’t.
I am me. And nothing is going to change this fact.
But because I am me, I do not have to let this poison command my existence if I have any real say in the matter. And yes, we all feel like crap sometimes. We all feel like we’re a victim of something, both physical or otherwise.
Do you know what kind of people I truly look up to?
It’s particularly those who technically have some kind of “handicap” or two to their name, and regardless of this fact, they still overcome it to do great things.
I want to become someone I look up to as well. I want to be able to tell others, “Hey, I had this holding me down for so long, but I eventually rose up and look at where I am today!”
With glee. With confidence. With a sense of empathy that can tell others that I have been there before so I know. Rise from the ashes. Overcome the adversity. Prove to everyone else you can do anything when you put your mind to it.
And in the back of my mind, I know I have to be better than this poison. I just have to be…
Otherwise, it’s going to eat me alive.
“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction