“No matter what the world says, you are only as great as you want to be in life.”
I am going to go out on a limb here and assume most people, hopefully anyway, have had very impactful and meaningful individuals who have entered their lives at one point to trigger a necessary catalyst.
And this catalyst itself is the start of various possibilities.
Perhaps it was in sports.
Perhaps it was in music.
For me, it was writing. Writing was my spiel. Writing was something I once thought I had a real knack for, and thus it became a focus of mine in school. In particular, I was fascinated by English grammar. Still am, by all means.
I had many teachers tell me that I was good at writing. I had my fifth grade teacher pull me from class just to tell me how good my short story was. And down the road, more teachers would pull me aside in the same manner to praise me for my writing style. They acted as mentors, motivating me to hone in on learning more about English grammar and writing.
It wasn’t like they were just trying to be nice, either. Heck, at the end of high school, I even received an award for being outstanding in the English subject. Not too shabby, right?
But I digress.
To be perfectly honest, I once thought I was going to have it real easy in life at some point. After college, it was going to be smooth sailing. I would definitely get my name out there without a hitch!
Of course, reality set in, and the bad stuff occurred in droves. And perhaps it was the universe’s funny way of teaching me a lot of lessons that I would spend the next years figuring out, contemplating what went right or horribly wrong. It was an utter mess.
I once wanted to make every excuse in the book about my would-be employers who passed on me. Oh, they are just corrupted! They only care about people they know! They don’t hire new grads!
At the end of the day, it all doesn’t matter. Regardless of what the real reasons were, I could have toughened up.
I became bitter and let my inferiority complex sink its fangs into my soul.
I could have improvised. I could have done a million different things that would have guided me out of the darkness, but I chose to dwell on it. I brooded over insignificant things when just thinking about it wasn’t going to change the current circumstances. Not one bit.
To be overly simplistic, I let the negativity engulf the legitimate greatness/potential I had to my name. I let the bad stuff cover up the good so nothing could shine through anymore.
Sure, I wasn’t perfect after college. Who is?
But man, I was just way too immature and ill-prepared to face the facts. I needed more time to develop before I was capable of handling the world.
I was raw.
I was inexperienced.
I had the right intentions, the right kind of ideals, but thinking about what you want and actually getting what you want are two separate elements. I can accept this now after so many years of being caught in a daze.
I am currently great in my own ways, but I am not great enough in my mind. I have improved drastically form the pathetic, cowering individual who hid in his parents’ basement to shield himself from the world. If we were going to compare apples to oranges, it’s a significant contrast as far as improvement goes.
But it’s not enough for me. I don’t want to be above a former version of myself who was ridiculously underwhelming. That’s a given I would be naturally higher ranked than a former me who was at the bottom of the barrel. It’s no worthwhile comparison. I was ashamed at what I was back then, so the current me just wants to move on from that past. And fast.
If anything, I just need to remind myself that the old me was a stepping stone toward bigger and better things. That’s the ideal viewpoint.
However, it’s been five years and counting. No matter how much I want to work toward truly bettering myself, it seems like I have even more of a journey ahead of me than before.
Is this to be expected? Is this what the greatest people in history have all respectively had to overcome in their own journeys?
Basically, I am weary of always getting glimpses of greatness, always flashes, and nothing more permanent per se. I am wildly inconsistent in general, but I am hoping to straighten out my life.
I want more good days than bad. I want more things to be proud of versus having a personal history mired with gloomy moments and embarrassing incidents.
Again, I don’t want glimpses anymore. I want to be constantly great. And for this to happen, I need to do more…
I need to find what makes me special. I need to utilize everything I have at my disposal to make my hopes and dreams into the ultimate reality.
After all is said and done, after all of the difficult days, after all of those nights where I felt truly lost and alone, I want to be…
“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction