“Sadness drains the very sense of joy from you, making life itself feel quite dour.”
This whole day, I was reminded of a similar sadness I knew all too well back then. The very depression-riddled, soul-sucking feelings from five years ago returned. In full force, no less. And just like that, I have felt taxed. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But it has only been just a day.
I had so many random things planned today. Granted, they were just mostly chores like cleaning downstairs and whatnot, but I found myself attempting to “distract” myself from this sadness instead of doing my obligations. I am a lousy, weak person in this regard.
Apparently, the cycle had to repeat itself today. Woe is me, right?
Obviously, no one wants to feel sad. No one should feel sad when they can help it, but sometimes things happen. I don’t know if I really want to vent about what happened in full detail just yet, but it definitely bummed me out. I am saddened that life is starting to back me into another corner again. It’s either be eaten alive or take a stand. I want to go with the latter for the sake of personal growth.
I do not want to be negative for the mere sake of it. Heck, tears are starting to well up in my eyes as I type this out. I guess, for what it’s worth, it’s somewhat of a positive sign. Years ago, I literally couldn’t cry. No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn’t.
But now, as I have to tell myself not to bawl my eyes out for my own sense of dignity, I have to remind myself to be strong. Chalk this day up as a loss. And leave it that.
Five years ago, I was so emotionally clogged up that I couldn’t even express myself in the appropriate fashion. Everything bad just wrapped around me ever so tightly, constricting my sense of progress and essentially trapping me in place for so long.
I became that lifeless husk for years. Life itself did not feel like living. I was just there. I was just there, taking up space and just kind of existing for the mere sake of it.
Hanging on to Dear Life
I feel harshly reminded that I don’t have too many people these days to turn to when facing a personal crisis. For better or worse, a lot of the ones I once knew have moved on from me, as they should. I was nothing but trouble back then for them, but now is a different time.
I am stronger in many ways, yet I am pathetically weak in certain areas.
I don’t want to lose the good fight. I don’t want to undo all of the positive progress I have made as a person. This similar sadness siphons, it steals what is inside of you and then you are just supposed to be left empty. Used up. Finished.
At which point, we are supposed to stop… Just stop trying. Just stop attempting to better yourself. However, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to declare this depression the victor. Never again. Never again will I do so.
I have so much more in life I want to fulfill, so much in life I want to pursue and enjoy as an individual and yet this looming, proverbial depression has to follow me around like a storm cloud. It waits and waits for the particular moment to rain on my parade.
I need to weather this storm…
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction