“Painful memories sting, but to relive them feels like a living nightmare.”
The sadness has not subsided. It has intensified. It feels like I am suffering a flashback, one that is entirely way too real. I had to take a personal day from work. I did not want to go near others in this state. It’s that bad. It has engulfed me by so much already.
I feel like I am spewing negativity, I feel like I will just bring blight to wherever I go and as a consequence I have hidden myself at home all day.
Loss of appetite.
Loss of energy.
Loss of motivation.
It is like I have not made any forward progress at all. But I know I have. Still, right here in the now, it feels like my whole world is unraveling before me.
I have been down this road many times before, and I had always thought those awful days were finished. I thought I would never have to go through this all again. I was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
I feel compelled to call someone. I feel compelled to ask someone to console me because God knows I truly need it at this very moment. But I am reluctant. I am hesitant because I feel too guilty about the mere thought of doing such a thing.
It feels like a seed of darkness was planted inside my soul a few days ago, and only now has it all blossomed into its twisted glory. Its influence eats away at me, its effects are slowly ravaging my well-being and I can feel all happening. Every moment of it. It’s like poison.
Caught in the Internal Rainstorm (Again)
I am a mess. By all means, I am falling apart at the seams. The scary part? It’s all happening inside of me, and the byproduct is just projecting around me. It is like I am emitting a dark aura. I do not want others near me to experience it.
I am regressing quickly. I am hurting in so many ways, and I just want it to stop already. I want things to be OK. I am reminded of me how weak I once was.
You feel basically helpless.
You feel unlucky.
Like a cursed feeling.
So what do you do?
You squirm. You just try to hang in there and hope it all passes by like a storm. Granted, this storm has a penchant for sticking around, and it looms like no other. I do not know how long this particular episode will last.
For the last major instance where I dealt with feeling like this, it took more than a year, literally more than 365 days, before I saw any kind of light shine through to guide me out. I don’t have that kind of luxury. I don’t know if I have that kind of willpower to survive another year feeling like crap. No way. Not again!
Ultimately, this has to be another test from the universe. This has to be another trial by fire for the long haul.
It took every ounce of courage I had to move forward from what felt like a seemingly impossible obstacle to overcome back then. Logic dictates I apply the same kind of courage to pull me through this developing ordeal.
Today felt like a constant taste of misery. I found myself lying in bed, staring up in the ceiling in dismay like everything around me was going to disappear. How pathetically morbid!
I don’t know what’s going on with me. I have an inkling as to the cause of it, but for my own body to stop functioning all of a sudden frightens me to no end.
Flashbacks can be powerful. Unfortunately, mine are of the unhappiest moments in my life, replayed to me like I signed up for another go on the roller coaster of emotions…
I want off this ride. NOW!
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction