The 54th Deadline: Thud

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“It takes hitting rock bottom once in a while to motivate you to launch back up.”

I realize the past few posts have been on the negative side, but life happens. Regardless, it’s time to get back on track. Thud. I hit the very bottom again, if only briefly for a few days, and all of it just reminded me why I have spent so many years to get out of that spot.

Surviving a year and a half of feeling exactly like that was hellish, and I am not going to let a few days’ worth of it prevent me from going forward. I will label it as a delay, an inconvenience… just as long it is not the definite stop in this journey. I have too much I need to do, so much I want to see and an unmeasurable amount of hope to keep me ambitious for the rest of my life.

If I let another hiccup derail me off the tracks, I would chalk myself as a complete failure. I have gone on for too long to give up now. I have forced myself to tough it out in personally challenging situations, one after the next. Basically, I have to maintain such a mentality no matter what.

Raw and undeniable tenacity. It gauges your grit when somethings comes to push, prompting to shove back in resistance. Resolve is tested at your worst.

I need to be more conscious of the next few weeks in particular. I think it will make or break me, depending on if I am truly strong or weak. 

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As Always, One Step at a Time
I do not want to be the “mopey me” version of myself if I can help it. I do not want to feel like I am just an Eeyore on some days when I can just choose to be happier in general.
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Being sad all of the time sucks. Having an attitude that brings down others is mortifying. I need to remind myself that the vibe I choose to project is the reflection of how I am currently feeling.

Why not choose happy thoughts instead? Why not choose positive emotions? I get it. I have mood swings. I cannot deny this fact. From a biological standpoint, it’s a chemical imbalance. I literally have my emotions bounce around the spectrum due to my body chemistry acting up in sporadic fashion.

Still, why have I let this be so dominant? Why do I continue to rely on these mood swings as such a prominent excuse I resort to when the going gets tough?

Ugh. It is all so frustrating. I wish I could just get rid of my mood swings without the aid of daily medication. I do not want to live my life drugged up, not knowing if it is me or the medicine in action.

I have learned to cope over the years, but apparently it is not enough sometimes.

The other day when I came crashing down, as if something inside me malfunctioned and I had to do emergency repairs, I just wonder…

Can I keep going forward in this journey without doing something drastic?

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction

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