The 54th Deadline: Identity

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“There are times where I wonder what my real identity is as a person here and now.”

First off, I am just experimenting with the blog theme because I can. After a while, I just think I need to tap into my creative side and actually try to make this site a bit more presentable. Regardless, I do like tweaking things around, even if they may be temporary.

Anyway, this site’s identity actually ties a bit with today’s blog post.

I think I am getting caught in a weird rut again. I feel like I should be doing way more, and then for me to conclude that I haven’t done so has made me feel a bit annoyed at myself. As if I am failing at something I can’t quite describe, it feels like I developed a lot of bad habits and I am not seeing things through to the end. It just makes me want to hate myself for being so pathetically inefficient. It really makes me feel this way.

At the same time, life has been tricky for me in plenty of ways. Last week had me experiencing episodes of some of the worst feelings I have dealt with once again, but thankfully it only lasted a few days. In reality, it all woke me up that I am still not strong enough, that I am still not as tenacious as I thought was if if I let a little slip-up get me down so much and thus I need to rethink my plan of attack.

Simply put, I lack a proper identity so to speak. This site is a reflection of my ambiguity.

Who am I? What am I? I think this blog can be a bit confusing as to what I am trying to convey, and therefore it gives off the wrong message.

Am I Nhan the aspiring writer? Am I Nhan the aspiring chef? Am I Nhan the aspiring content creator?

Well, for those particular questions, they all would be applicable to me. And that, therein, lies the real problem in all of this… I am an identity crisis. I am trying to be too many things at once, and thus I am not being a master of anything.

There are people out there who can be defined as a great singer. There are people out there who can be defined as great athletes. You can say this for anything, so where do I fit in this picture? Where is my place in this world?

To be continued. To be answered another time.

It’s always another time with me… I am sick of it.

I just disappoint myself feeling like this, as if I am just all talk and nothing more concrete to show for it. I have lived too many recent years trying to survive, just trying to hang on by a thread like I was going to die if I didn’t.

Where is my opportunity to shine? Where are my chances to impress people with all of my respective capabilities?

I wish the universe would just tell me… I wish the universe would just give me a sign!

Recipe for Success 
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Life is hard. Life is challenging. Life makes me wonder why I do some actions at all, but I keep trying. Through plenty of trial and error, my hope is that everything will work out. I have to think about it all like cooking. Cooking, after all, is what saved my life so many years ago.

I didn’t learn how to be somewhat OK at cooking overnight. No way… No way… It took me a long while. But I stuck with it because I was genuinely intrigued and always curious to improve my cooking techniques.

Do you see this fried rice below I made for lunch one time at work? I practiced the fried rice in so many variations until I finally got it down to something I could be happy with as a chef in the making.

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No matter how many times you screw up, even if it’s a 100+ times, once you finally get it, you can say you pulled it off. As long as you keep trying to learn, as long as you don’t place barriers in front of yourself, you can accomplish a lot more than you realize. And this is the important part – you just have to keep developing and get just a bit better every day.

Never give up on something you truly care about, whether it is cooking or whatever.

This is the real beauty of perseverance. It isn’t where you start at, where you currently are… No. It’s the personal journey of soaking up the experience and knowledge, slowly until it becomes something worthwhile in the end after everything is said and done.

I know I get too caught up in other people. Other people have their life figured out. Other people have their identities pretty much established, and sometimes it just makes me think I am just someone waiting in the oven still, taking extra time to bake…

What would the end result be for me? Well, even after a few years, I am apparently still not ready for whatever reason.

To me, this is where most of my frustration balloons from, and why I can feel so uneasy about what my real goals are for the short term. I need to start being more proactive. I need to stop being so all over the place when focus is what will drive me closer toward my dreams.

I need to stop dinking around so much and get my act together. This is me not sugarcoating it.

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction

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2 thoughts on “The 54th Deadline: Identity

  1. Izzy April 23, 2016 / 9:19 pm

    Your fried rice looks amazing! Having an identity crisis it not fun, but I think that unless you are really old (like a senior citizen), then it is completely normal. You still have the rest of your life to create your identity!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nhan Fiction April 23, 2016 / 10:42 pm

      Thanks. I do take legitimate pride in my cooking. Through successes and duds, I have grown as an aspiring chef. You learn a lot from just trying new things. 🙂

      But yeah, it is certainly an identity crisis of sorts in its own way. I have a lot of goals and dreams, but I think they are all being muddled together inefficiently when I should instead be more focused. I think if I narrowed down what I want to accomplish for the “now” versus trying to do it all at once, something really good and worthwhile will occur. But this is my two cents.

      Like

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