The 54th Deadline: Choices

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“Each day, we all have a series of choices we have to make that dictate how life plays out.”

So a few weeks back, I had an episode with a blast from the past. It was like I was dragged back to relive some of the worst feelings I had ever experienced as far as depression symptoms go. I left the reason for it vague at the time, but I feel like sharing a bit as to why I was going through it all again.

In a nutshell, the restaurant I have been working at is sort on the fence about “demoting” me. And by that, I mean they have been slashing my hours and really trying to pressure me. Actually, I was almost fired for being a “bad” employee. Heck, they have plucked away some of my cook shifts to throw me into the dish pit station instead.

Not that I have anything against dishes, as it is an important job at any restaurant, but I have put in my share of time, effort and whatnot into this place. I have sweated, I have bled, I have done so much for this restaurant and for the place to make me feel almost underappreciated… It hurt me.

I had a meltdown because I was on the verge of just calling my boss and saying I quit. No two weeks’ notice. No request to phase me out slowly so I could find another job on the fly.

It came that close.

Fortunately, some of my senses came back to remind me that quitting my job so abruptly would have been an awful, truly horrible idea. It is not like I have a lot of bills or debt to my name at the moment, but I still need to work.

And yes, it’s just a restaurant job. Technically speaking, I could go find a job at McDonald’s or something if I really needed it. But this restaurant has grown on me throughout this past year. It would pain me to leave it and move onto the next thing like it hasn’t mattered to my existence.

Culinary-wise, I want to learn more at this restaurant, and there is plenty of stuff to pick up. As an aspiring chef, I go in yearning to expand my knowledge. But there comes a point where I wonder if I am just being a glutton for punishment if the management at this place is starting to test my patience. One can only take so much…

But for now, my decision is to stick around and try even harder. I have had a lot of random people over the years who have brought me down, who have tried to make me feel inferior or incompetent and it would bring me the greatest joy in the world to prove each one of them wrong.

I want to prove that I am a diamond in the rough. I want to prove that I am more than they realize. My true potential has yet to be reached.

Sure, the easy out would be to quit. The simplest solution would be to walk away and just find something else. I don’t want to concede just yet. I don’t want to be labeled or branded as a quitter for something like this.

Big deal.

It happens.

It is just an opportune moment to bounce back, and I intend to do so.

HI.pngDecisions Determine Outcomes
Choice…

It has been my choice in the manner to stay put at the restaurant, keep my spirits up as best as I can and just try to hang in there. From a psychological standpoint, I don’t want to risk putting myself in a dire situation where I would eat up all of my funds due to panic and fear.

I am certainly not rich enough to be unemployed again. Nope. Not a chance. And plus, I hate applying for jobs. I have had my share of rotten luck with job hunting, so I would rather avoid it if I don’t need to do so.

But yeah, choice.

Lately, I have had to be more aware of what kind of situations I put myself in, and the realization is I am setting myself up for failure.

For example, I want to be healthier with my fitness. But instead of going outside and doing a jog around the neighborhood, I instead just play video games. And though video games are something that will always be my thing as a person, I know that playing games all of the time won’t make me any healthier.

It is, ultimately anyway, my choice to do this. And with this in mind, I am disappointed in myself. I am a flawed individual when it comes to willpower. I have a lot of hopes and dreams, but I stifle my own ambitions by just defaulting toward the same crap that gets me in trouble.

On this health note though, I have been pretty good with cutting down on the soda and juice. I really do try to drink more water and tea, so this is something noteworthy.

I need help in making me more adamant and diligent with carrying out the proper choices. More often than not, I know what the correct move should be, but I don’t do it like a moron. Or it could just be laziness. Maybe both.

Ugh, I need to get in gear. I am falling behind, and it just makes me so…

Upset.

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction

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