“There comes a point where trying to follow the linear path is not nearly quick enough.”
I am a mess. I have grown completely weary of trying to do things the old-fashioned way. What can I say? It has been five years and counting. After a while, it all makes me wonder what I am doing with my life. It sucks because we all should hope for happiness, whatever that may respectively be for all of us.
My idea of happiness would be attaining “success” in all of its glory. And yes, to wish for a shortcut now in this stage of the game may come off as a bit of impatience, but again… It’s been five years and counting. I don’t expect the world to throw me a bone my way after waiting this long, nor should I anticipate such a gesture. That would be foolish.
Instead, I need to think of practical ways of expediting this whole process within my power. Quite frankly, I can’t keep living like this. Well, I mean this in the sense that just gradually crawling toward my destination of the future is aggravating. I am annoyed at how long it is all taking, I am truly vexed in my own shortcomings as an individual and above all else…
I just want to make this all work. I want to be a better person. I want to be deemed a great person who has been through so much, who faced the personal brink of destruction and overcame it all to pull off something wonderful.
I should not expect to wake up tomorrow, and then boom… Success! This is not how it works. I do not want to be caught in a fantasy world all of the time. I know we need to visualize what we want at times, but there are just so many things going on in my life right now.
This paycheck-to-paycheck existence gets to me. I make just enough to survive, but never thriving irks me. I know I should not fuss so much about money, but funds in the bank account matter when you want to indulge.
For instance, do you know what I would really like to do now?
I hate not being able to see what the rest of the planet has to offer. I like where I live right now, but it just feels like I am cooped up in this town’s bubble. I would like to see something different, and I feel like being caught in this state for my whole life just means I am missing out on so much.
I want to see England. I want to see France. There are so many random places I want to visit just to sate my own curiosity, just to satisfy my own urges to explore the world… But alas, reality keeps reminding me that I cannot do such an adventure that easily.
I am essentially stuck, more or less, in my current situation. Until something drastic comes along to grant me the means to “escape” this town for a little while, I’ll have to accept this fact for now.
For now, anyway…
But gosh, I have to keep seeking some kind of shortcut in life, just something to save me some time in the long run. Believe me. I have always thought I would be further ahead in life at this point. Part of me thinks I definitely should be, but I screwed up at the start.
And now, it’s been an ordeal of trying to make up the difference and catch up with it all. Sigh, it’s all so challenging…
Searching for Solutions
First and foremost, I can’t really utilize any shortcut unless I know where I am going. This is rule No. 1. Otherwise, it defeats the purpose of trying to get ahead. I am someone who does poorly with loose, ambiguous concepts. I need something tangible, something concrete for me to wrap my mind around so I can understand its value.
Let’s say the next goal is just to go out a bit more around town. Nothing fancy per se. It can just mean I go out to more social gatherings. The movies. An event. Whatever. This is something tangible. It’s better for it to be more defined. The quantity itself is arbitrary. I just need to have a reasonable goal to meet.
I think this is why school was something I did decent with as a kid. I would have x amount of assignments to do each night, and then I would need to complete x by the due dates. But the more I got into adulthood, the less organized I became. I lost track of short-term and long-term tasks to finish.
As a result, my life became chaos. It would be one flop after another until I somewhat stabilized.
So what would be an easy solution for this week or so?
Well, I just need to get things done. Plain and simple. I just need to get what needs to be done without any questions asked. Less thinking about it. More doing. I hate how reluctant and hesitant I am with decision making. I need to be more spontaneous. I need to trust my instincts more.
Oh, I need to run this errand? OK. I will do it. I won’t think about it for three days and then suddenly overcome my procrastination just enough to tackle the task at hand. I partially attribute such behavior to my own inefficiency. It has been a major setback on my road to recovery.
I really want to get the show going. I can’t keep doing this. What is it going to take? Another five years before something truly substantial happens in my life?
I am sick of waiting. I have been patient long enough, which means it is time for me to find that certain shortcut… Where is it?
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction