The 54th Deadline: Edge

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“Ultimately, those who succeed are those who have that needed edge to cut through an obstacle.”

I need an edge…

And what I mean is rather simple. I need that oomph. I need that boost. I need that one tipping point, no matter how minuscule or wide, that will take me over to the next level.

Looking back at it, I have always been quite a scrub in this regard. I have been too “kind” to others in a sense, and please allow me to elaborate. The fact is, those who are too nice get walked on, and to show some real confidence in yourself really does mean a big deal.

I have always been content with tagging along with other people’s success, whether it was a group project or whatever. I was so happy just being included, as opposed to being the main star. I have regrets about it now, but I can’t really do anything about what has happened to me so many times in the past.

And this is OK. What’s left in the past has to remain there. As long as I learn from it, even if that acquired knowledge has to start right now as I am typing this blog post out, so be it.

Better late than never. I suppose…

I am just growing weary of playing second fiddle. I am just getting extremely impatient with life itself. I want my time to shine, and I want that time to happen NOW! Of course, no matter how much I want to whine and moan about it all, the universe will most likely not give in to my demands without something in return.

Fine. No problem. I believe in hard work, anyway. I don’t want a handout. I just want a setup, a means for me to reach where I need to reach. Whatever that may be… And this is the part that eludes me.
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I have so many inklings, but none of it means a darn thing if I can’t connect the dots.

It’s like if you were given a sword, and you can have whatever you wanted if you can cut the right spot on a wall. But where would you strike? Where would be the secret spot that will open up to make your dreams come true?

Perhaps I am just thinking about all of this is a convoluted manner, where thoughts are just stacked up eclectically and I am just not sorting them out properly. My gut feeling is to keep looking around for a clue, just something… Anything!

Alas, if were so easy, we all would find our happy spot. We all would find our place in this world. I truly believe just being adamant is definitely important. Otherwise, you can fall victim to your own moments of weakness.

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Missing Ingredient
I think, for the sake of my own therapy, I have to go and say it here on this blog so it’s official…

I need a muse. And I need a muse badly. There. I said it.

I don’t necessarily need to find “the one” or whatever, but it’s been clear that having such a particular person absent from my life has been something looming over my head for a long time now. I can’t beat around the bush any further.

It’s definitely embarrassing to admit, but I feel like trying to do a majority of this journey on my own, so to speak, hasn’t worked that well. Sure, on one hand, I have gotten stronger and all, but it isn’t enough at times. It’s been more than five years, and though I can make a bit of forward progress here and there, I can only imagine how much I can accomplish with that special someone to help inspire me to better myself.

I need that special person to lift me up when I am down, to be my rock when I need that sense of comfort when life gets hard and so much more.

Ugh, I just sound so pathetic to type this all out, but again… For the sake of my own therapy, for the sake of trying to figure out how to mend my well-being into a better state…

I need to find that muse. I need to find that edge. I need to find… that special person.

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction

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