The 54th Deadline: Rework

“Change is a necessary evil, but the good part about it means something different can occur.”

Not feeling the best right now, so I am going to let some steam off in this blog post to see if it helps. Anyway, I am thinking about taking this blog through another “rework” phase. I have been doing a similar style of blogging for a long while, but I wonder if it is time just to mix things up for the mere sake of it.

The more I go through my past blog posts, the more I wonder what kind of impression I am leaving behind, at least in regards to how I want others to perceive me.

It has been five/six years now, and though some things have gotten better and all… I am still a mess in many ways. I just feel like an incomplete dish still waiting in the pan, and I just need a few more ingredients to complete the whole process before I am ready to serve.

But that is the thing about it all. It just feels like I have been sitting there, lying in wait for so long and I just wonder if anything is going to come by to make me into a finished product. Ultimately, I have concluded that I can’t rely on outside forces to make it happen.

Again, the world doesn’t owe me a favor, and nor should I expect it to do so magically. The less I think of myself as someone who is entitled to such things… Well, to be blunt, the better it is for me. I can’t keep banking on something to fall into my lap. In reality, I should approach it from the other angle. I need to be more proactive and head toward the stuff I want to reach, even if it is difficult and discouraging to do so.

Even as far as blogging goes, I guess part of this blog comes off as really childish in its own ways. I have enjoyed just plugging in the anime pictures as filler and stuff, but I wonder if I really need them there. They are just there to break up the text, but I really do desire to make this blog… more “professional” at some point?

I guess, in other words, I want this blog to mature as I should have matured as time went on, but I obviously have not grown up if I have technically regressed in this category. To say that I have regressed is quite accurate in many ways.

We all go through life at different paces, and I think I have certainly hit a wall at some point and then inadvertently backtracked when I should have kept going. I made excuses about it back then, but I can’t keep cycling through the same crap again and again ad nauseum. I hate feeling like I am repeating myself, but deep down I am aware I am caught up in my own drama.

Solutions Start from Within
It all starts with me. I am the one steering this ship. But to be perfectly honest, I have kept the ship anchored in place for so long, scared to mess up. I am just so wary of crashing into something, but nothing can be gained if you don’t even try to venture forth.

This is the harsh lesson of it all.

Fear has been my enemy. Fear of failure in particular has held me at bay. I cannot realize my own potential if I am just paralyzed from my own inept courage to charge forth with everything I got.

I hate playing it so damn safe all of the time. I loathe the thought that this is going to be the pattern for the rest of my days until I finally get ahold of myself.

“Nhan, grow up! Nhan, stop being such a wimp!”

I cannot stress enough how badly I wish for my life to turn around, where I can say I have mounted the greatest comeback I have ever mounted in my life that was once in shambles.

Ugh.

There is so much to do, so much to figure out and it all can be terribly overwhelming for me. I exhaust myself just trying to keep my sanity intact, or so it seems.

I want to talk this out with the right person, and yet I am also hesitant about doing so.

I have burned too many bridges.

I have isolated myself into this box of my mine.

I want a way out. I want to escape and see the world.

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction

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