“My life has been far from balanced. Instead, I would say it is an alternating series of extremes.”
I can be really on fire one day. I can be really cold the next. I can be on point one day. I can be a complete and utter failure the next. However, the pattern is never predictable. The feelings are ambiguous.
The weather affects me. Something in the news affects me. I just feel so darn vulnerable to my own emotions. I am therefore an emotional person, and to be emotional is a blessing and a curse.
I am emotional because I feel everything I feel to the nth degree, but this acts as a double-edged sword when the feelings are anything negative. I can be as happy as a clam, or I can be the most miserable person you can come across just like that.
Regardless, I hate it. The more I try to come to grips with the notion that I legitimately may have bipolar disorder or whatever, the more I have to start contemplating more serious remedies to counteract the instability.
Yes, that is a good word for this dilemma of mine. Instability. It is a word that implies that something is not quite all the way put together, and it hints that something could go horribly wrong.
Outside of medicinal means, I wonder if just doing something else in life can somewhat bring it all toward the “center,” even if not perfectly in the middle. I just need to stop this back-and-forth game with my own thoughts. I want things to be steady at the very least. If this were the case, I could feel a bit more at ease that I am just drifting along in life.
But nope. It all just feels like an inner distraction. There is chaos upstairs, but a lot more needs to be done outside in the real world while all of this roughhousing takes place.
Ugh. Why can’t I just be one thing?
Why, world? Why!
I truly believe something drastic must be done to solve my own mysteries in life. I think I cannot beat around the bush any further. I am wedging myself into a lose-lose situation at this rate, so I need to start taking some big risks.
A challenging issue needs an equally powerful solution to solve it, right?
More than five years ago, I accepted that I was just a sad sap who could not get a job in his field after graduating school. That was by far a lot easier to stomach because the solution was obvious.
Get a job and feel better about things.
Yes, and though I was able to get through that huge of a hellish ordeal for me, the problems these days are…
Well, they are complicated. There is no easy solution. They are just scattered all over the place, and putting it all back together has taken a lot of time and effort.
There are days where I wonder if I am even making any dent in the overall progress meter, as if some of my actions have been for naught. Still, that is the pessimist in me talking. I have come this far by sticking through with it all, no matter how daunting or hopeless it may seem.
Obviously, if I could erase a lot of my actual health problems from the board, this would of course be so much easier. However, we all have our respective handicaps to overcome. Mine are just harder to pick up on unless you really get to know me…
It is such a wonderful word, and someday I wish to enjoy it with every fiber in my being.
Until then, it is just a lot of extreme emotions on either side of the spectrum until I can balance it all out.
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction