“On especially grueling days, I feel as if I am slipping and falling back toward failure.”
I am slipping. And by slipping, I mean I am definitely messing up at the moment. It pains me to admit it, but random things in life have become neglected for whatever reason. As such, I feel that calling attention to some of these problems is necessary.
For instance, let’s talk about money for a second. I got my paycheck last week. I still have not cashed it yet. It is just an errand to me that I know I need to do. And sure, I do not need the money immediately per se, but failing to cash the check as soon as possible to get it out of the way is irresponsible and overly lazy.
But this is just one random case of my neglect. My cat needs to get her shots for rabies soon. She has until the end of the month. I had a whole week to schedule a proper appointment for her, and instead I waited until the last minute. I ended up needing to move the schedule next week.
In this particular case, it is not like my cat is in any harm. She does still have until the end of the month to get her shots. But as an owner, I should be more diligent and on top of things like this for my cat’s well-being.
In just two of these random examples, both of these reflect how “out of it” I have become. This certainly frightens me to no end. Something is terribly wrong with me for me to slip up like this. Something horribly, horribly wrong.
I should not be so hard on myself for such things, but I have to be. I do not really have anyone else at the moment who can fulfill that role of strict supervisor, always looking over my shoulder and nagging me to do this and that. It is all me.
But that is the thing. I have been doing such an awful job in so many ways. I disgust myself. I would scold myself for being so darn unproductive. I have been a mess. I have been feeling… “drained,” for lack of a better term.
Drained of what?
Those dreams necessary to keep the hunger alive?
All I really can say is, with complete dismay, that I am imploding from within, and I definitely need some damage control before things get out of hand.
I have been “sick” for this whole time. I have been so ill that, despite my best judgment, I just keep trying to persist, so determined to keep persevering no matter what. And there are those days where I wonder if this is all worth it. I truly try to ponder why I have been so stubborn about this life, so resistant to giving in to it all.
I choose to keep going because I believe in every fiber of my body that I have a lot to prove, not only to the world, but to myself as an individual. I do not want to leave this planet without anything to show for it. I want to have my mark in history, whatever that may be.
I do not want to die with regrets that will haunt me in the afterlife. I do not want to stop in the middle of it all, say screw it and just be a victim of an unfulfilled existence. That would suck. That would be my own version of an everyday hell.
I do not want that. I had too many dreams to keep me awake at night, too many hopes to discourage me quitting.
A lot of people have their respective goals in life, and a lot of those same people, unfortunately, have to let those goals wither away and be forgotten. Even right now, I have to force myself to blog. I force myself because the willpower comes and goes, and I just have to be focused enough to catch some sparks of the lightning in my bottle to make use of it.
I hate being “sick” in this regard. I hate it because I know it drastically affects me each day to some degree. It is part of my “limiter” toward greater things, and until I find the cure for it, this will continue like this…
I need to get better. I cannot give in, no matter what.
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction