The 54th Deadline: Delay

“Waiting forever for something wonderful to take place is quite frustrating and disheartening.”

Delays aplenty. This is my life in a nutshell. No matter how much footing I get during this journey, something always manages to halt my sense of progress. And even worse – if I regress in some fashion and start falling back toward a prior checkpoint.

This is a problem. This is a major problem, in fact.

I am trying to snap out of it. I want to get my life back on track and reach that next, ever elusive, stage. But lately, things just do not feel right for me. The dots are not quite connected. The passion seems to be waning.

It is like part of me is falling apart at the seams. I just do not feel like myself per se.

And that is the thing. The more I try to figure who I am as a person, the more I try to accept who I am for that matter, it all becomes a muddled mess. It is an up-and-down existence for me. There are highlights followed by plenty of moments at my worst. There are many inconsistent days due to a variety of reasons.

In particular, the more I psychologically accept that I am possibly bipolar, as much as part of me does not want to acknowledge it, the easier it has all become. In this sense, I am starting to think that I am definitely not quite “normal” in this regard.

And sure, we all would like to think we are special snowflakes in our own ways. We all would like to think we are unique and different from everyone else. But for me, I guess I wish being possibly bipolar was not a trait that defines and influences my everyday life so heavily.

Today, for instance, has been a “down” day. I have not felt the urge to be productive. I feel like I am wasting the day away, just going through the motions. I had to force myself to drive down to the store to get groceries so I can feed myself. This is a prime example of the extent in which my “down” days can be like.

It gets to the point where I just keep burning willpower just to do the simplest of tasks. Oh look. The garbage needs to be taken out. A few hours later have passed. I finally get around to taking it outside.

I fear that the more this keeps up, the worse everything will become. What do you do when you are losing control of your own life right before your eyes? What do you do?
Growing Weary

Obviously, certain things in my life are definitely heading in the wrong direction. Parts of the machine are breaking piece-by-piece. At this rate, the whole thing will implode within itself. I need to repair that which has malfunctioned.

At the same time, I feel awfully tired for no reason. So, so tired…

I am weary of so many things right now. I have become so darn exhausted just trying to hang in there, but I know I have to for my own sake. There is so much I want to do. There is so much I want to accomplish.

But this persistence, no matter how powerful, has its limits. I just finding myself needing to recover in between every episode. I just have to take my share of breaks just to get through a given week, let alone an entire year’s worth of unpredictable days.

This is my life in a nutshell. This is me trying to cling to some semblance of hope that a better existence is waiting for me around the corner. I tough it out. I try to remain optimistic.

But heck, I am human. I never had it easy in a lot of ways. I do not want to make it sound like I am complaining. We all have our respective struggles. The other side of the coin is that I have been quite blessed in these past few years to get these extra opportunities to bounce back.

After all, some people are not quite so lucky. Some people get their journeys cut short.

Mine is still continuing, albeit very slowly as usual.

I used to think I was just a depressed individual. But this is only just the surface of who I am beneath it all.

I have learned to cope with my depression a lot better over the years, I have found solace in knowing that I have become stronger about it all and this is noteworthy in itself.

But consequently, I just keep remaining as a work in progress until something significant occurs. I hate banking on that magical miracle. I want the next stage to start so badly, but I feel perplexed about my own incompetence.

I am just so weary. I want life to give me a real boost of energy to accomplish what needs to be done. That would be awesome.

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction


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