“Life has to continue regardless, but we all must put up a front that things are OK on the surface.”
Do you remember those moments when you were a kid in gym class, you get hurt a little bit and needed a timeout before joining your classmates for the rest of the activity? Lately, I have been feeling like I need a breather of sorts, but one that is a bit longer than usual. Emotionally, I feel drained and unmotivated. I am at my wit’s end just trying to get through the day, but at the same time I need to for my own sake.
I still need to work, I still need to take care of myself (though I admit I need to do a better job at this) and I need to keep looking ahead at what needs to be done. However, I feel like I am faltering. I feel like I am definitely falling apart at the seams. The more I try to rationalize what is going wrong, the more I try to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel so useless, so inefficient and just so undervalued…
It all stings. Like, it really does hit me where it hurts. I glance at this blog when I get home and am annoyed at myself for neglecting it. And this bad habit is starting to become apparently worse as time goes on, and I am just totally irked by it all.
Individually, this is just one aspect of my crumbling life. Collectively, I am somewhat intact, but there are cracks. These small chips here and there will add up, and eventually it will all shatter at this rate unless I mend the random problems and get my act together.
And it just feels like I have to pretend. I hate putting up this facade that I am OK, when in reality I am not. I am not doing that well on a lot of fronts. I am not getting it. To be honest, sometimes I really just want to hide somewhere in my place, just bury myself underneath the sheets and pretend things did not have to matter so much to me.
Alas, they do matter. Otherwise, I would not bother subjecting myself to this cycle of highs and lows again and again. No sane person would do this willingly. Perhaps I am not sane? Or maybe I am?
No matter what the technicality is, I am just becoming a bigger mess as time goes on. I am getting sloppy. I am just losing it in more ways than one.
I do not want to seem like a total wimp, but I guess there are days I really want to cry. Forget the crap about people saying this and that about emotions. Long ago, I accepted I am an emotional being. When I first succumbed to the worst of my initial depression symptoms becoming out of hand more than five years ago, I literally could not cry.
It was just an emotional congestion. Too many things all at once.
I wanted to let the waterworks happen. I wanted to just bawl my eyes out and just allow all of the excess emotions to leave my body.
Instead, I let all of that bad stuff stick around, and I paid the price for it. Because I did not address the problems at hand, I distracted myself.
As long as I did not have to confront my sad feelings, I could somewhat pretend things were not as bad as they were. However, I guess I did not learn my lesson very well.
Heck, what did I do after work in the past day?
Where was the gumption to work on projects, look into other opportunities and so forth?
History does repeat itself, unfortunately… And I am just being a moron about it. I am allowing myself to be punished by my own flaws. It is like I am going through a mini-version of the depression I once felt.
It is definitely weaker compared to that one, but this one is definitely being troublesome. I am adversely affected by it. This slump may just be a medium-sized bump in the road compared to the giant pothole from five-plus years ago, but this one has delayed me significantly.
Ugh… Such a mess.
I have to pretend I am OK in the meantime… I do not want others to worry.
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Fiction