The 54th Deadline: Dialogue

“I really hope to find the right person to speak with about very important matters.”

Despite being naturally shy, I do think I can be very chatty and quite conversational when it comes to the right topics. However, talking about video games or any other things I consider fun all of the time… In a sense, it’s not a good thing when something very pressing always lurks in the back of my mind, reminding me that I should address the elephant in the room by now.

Pretending it’s not there isn’t going to erase it from existence.

Funkfreed_Anime_Infobox.pngLikewise, I shouldn’t be so afraid of it that I try to avoid it. One can only go around an obstacle so much before there reaches a point where you have to face it directly.

And lately, I think I really want to tackle this problem without any second thoughts. It’s about darn time.

First and foremost, the problem lies squarely with me. I am the problem. I am the source of my own issues. And thus I should determine the logical course of actions in which I slowly unravel the most complex mysteries I have about myself.

Why haven’t I put it all together yet? Why haven’t I made it big just yet?




I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. After all, I had a lot of close calls throughout this personal journey. I forced myself to dig deep to find my way out of a variety of perplexing, yet solvable, puzzles. To me at the time, they were major issues, but that was because I was too weak. I had to get stronger. I had to become tougher.

Still, it always feels like I am just one dialogue away from severing my past. I want to learn from my past, but I don’t want to be so caught up in it all of the dang time. I always feel like I am just one particular dialogue that will completely turn my life around and get me back on track. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Addition by Subtraction


Life has made me think that taking away things actually makes me have more control.

I am someone who has a tendency to cling to things. And by cling, I refer to just sticking to something stubbornly until the bitter end. This was something very apparent with me as a child. Certain things were hard for me to let go.

For instance, I had a particular blanket I loved to death since I was a kid. I couldn’t sleep without it. I got upset and even cried when my brothers messed with it. I had that blanket so long that it started to develop holes in it over time, to the point where there was a hole at least a foot wide.

I didn’t care. It was my special blanket. The blanket had a lot of wear and tear during my childhood, eventually reaching a point where my mother did not even want to bother repairing it for me any further.  No matter what, I had developed an attachment toward it. I can admit now that I had that particular blanket even when my age hit double-digits.

Of course, it was not a tidbit I would openly share with anybody. No way was I going to do that. I was socially awkward enough, extremely introverted, I already had plenty of unique/peculiar quirks to my name depending on how you looked at it and I was not going to tell anyone I still had a security blanket.

Nonetheless, there came a point where I naturally stopped caring about the blanket. It was nothing emotional or anything like that. I just 1zf3e6c.jpgstopped caring. Plain and simple. In fact, I still recall my dad just using the particular blanket as something to wipe the car engines with, and I did not shed a tear or anything.

It was a sign I had grown up, at least in regards to something as childish as a material thing that kept me warm at night when I slept.

I don’t want to make this blog post entirely about a blanky… I do have a point here I am trying to establish.

Basically, I need to learn how to cut ties, as in sever any and all emotional feeling, toward things that aren’t beneficial for me in some way. Especially if it’s part of “figuring myself out,” I have to be willing to say sayonara to things that simply act as obstacles within the journey.

I have to be capable of saying, “I don’t give a damn about this anymore!” And then I advance forward, not looking back. I need to stop having second thoughts about crap that has delayed my growth. I must be able and willing to bypass the bullshit while staying focused on what’s ahead of me.

Anything else just hinders and delays the process even longer. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Helping Hand

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I am someone who has lost his fair share of helping hands over the years. At first, people are often willing to stretch out their hands and offer whatever aid they can. However, there comes a point where they feel more and more reluctant to do so. Help can only go so far.

I have learned this about myself over the years. I was at times an extremely needy person. A weak individual. Just someone you didn’t want to be around out of fear of being sucked into my myriad of personal problems.

But at my worst state, I begged for help every step of the way. I received a lot of temporary relief, brief reassurance that everything would be OK, but a lot of it would fade away and the cycle would repeat itself all over again.

And so what could I do? I asked for further help. I sought after helping hands to pull me out of whatever downward spiral I had found myself caught in for a given bout with doubt.

Before I knew it, a lot of my former friends and peers over time just didn’t want to interact with me anymore. Not because they hated me or anything like that. If anything, it was because I was turning into a walking cesspool of negativity. And quite frankly, I can accept this nowadays as a reasonable answer.

One day, I just felt super deserted. I thought everyone around me was disappearing from my corner. In reality, I had created this sense of desolation for myself. I thought my problems were too overwhelming. Sure, at times, I thought I could never overcome anything that had set itself in front of me.

Quite frankly, again, I was a weakling. I was downright pathetic. And it showed.

I couldn’t rely on much of anyone after a certain point. It was basically just a one-on-one bout with everything that had stifled my progress in life.

It sucked.

But I got through one obstacle after another. Somehow, anyway. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 87

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 87’s Topic: Reluctance.
In regards to this blog, I will admit I had a lot of reluctance when I first started it. I didn’t have any ambition of making this blog famous overnight or anything of that sort. I didn’t even know if I would continue blogging after I finished making the account.

But I am glad I did.

I started off with a handful of daily readers at best. And after a while, the number naturally expanded. Not to godly numbers or anything like that. Again, reluctance kept popping up, discouraging me from showing others what I was writing about for the longest time.

After all, this blog did start out as a depression blog, and it was a depression blog that was linked due to feeling left behind in this wide and vast world. Had I not written this blog, I seriously do not know how I would have turned out, or whether I would have been able to persevere long enough to keep going.

But I am glad I did.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 86

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 86’s Topic: Listening.
If there is one trait I know I have going for me, it’s that I am in fact a great listener. An excellent one at that.

After all, it’s something I developed over the years when it came to talking with people about things. I have had a lot of experience with just having others listen to my ramblings, the stuff I happen to bemoan about, my fears, my concerns, my hopes, my dreams and so forth.

It’s only natural I became a good listener in turn.

I feel I should put this listening ability to good use, as in doing something on a grander and meaningful scale. But in the meantime, I am content with lending my ear for someone who needs to let it out.

Sometimes, you honestly just need that person to sit down with you, listen intently and give you the nod of “mhmm” as you get what you need to say off your chest. I like being this person who can and will listen to what you have to say. You just need to ask kindly.

It’s that simple. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 71

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 71’s Topic: Friends.
Finding friends is something on the agenda for me as of late. I am an introvert. I am a loner on some days.

But by all means, I need friends as much as the next person. Friends are people you can hang out with to mix up your routine. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about things rather than just being alone all the time.

As I always emphasize, I have never been Mr. Popular, but the friends I did have were important to me. You can’t put a price on the number of friends when all that matters is how good the friendships are. At least, this is what I like to think.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 51

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 51’s Topic: Football Sunday.
Gosh, what a lazy Sunday.

I was really looking forward to watching the Super Bowl with my friends, but I was feeling really sick and tired when I woke up, just completely out of it. I wouldn’t have been much fun in my state, so I ended up staying inside my place and chilling out.

By the time the Super Bowl rolled around, I just watched the live stream of the game, plus I ordered from a pizza place to eat something throughout the match. It was my own mini-celebration, as you will. Not exactly what I had in mind, but it was fine.

As for the game itself, I actually got really into football when I got into college. I really got to liking the game itself from a strategic standpoint, and knowing the rules does help you understand how every play unfolds.

I am neither a New England Patriots or Seattle Seahawks fan (the Cincinnati Bengals will always be my favorite pro team), but this Super Bowl was hyped up to be an exciting match on paper, and boy it was. From start to finish, I wasn’t really sure what team was going to win in the end. It was close on both sides, and it was refreshing not to watch such an important football be a blowout.

The game being close made it more enjoyable, though fans of the Seahawks won’t be happy for a while (the last offensive play made by Seattle will be scrutinized until the end of time.)
Continue reading