The 54th Deadline: Flashback

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“Painful memories sting, but to relive them feels like a living nightmare.”

The sadness has not subsided. It has intensified. It feels like I am suffering a flashback, one that is entirely way too real. I had to take a personal day from work. I did not want to go near others in this state. It’s that bad. It has engulfed me by so much already.

I feel like I am spewing negativity, I feel like I will just bring blight to wherever I go and as a consequence I have hidden myself at home all day.

Anti-social thoughts.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of energy.

Loss of motivation.

It is like I have not made any forward progress at all. But I know I have. Still, right here in the now, it feels like my whole world is unraveling before me.

I have been down this road many times before, and I had always thought those awful days were finished. I thought I would never have to go through this all again. I was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

I feel compelled to call someone. I feel compelled to ask someone to console me because God knows I truly need it at this very moment. But I am reluctant. I am hesitant because I feel too guilty about the mere thought of doing such a thing.

It feels like a seed of darkness was planted inside my soul a few days ago, and only now has it all blossomed into its twisted glory. Its influence eats away at me, its effects are slowly ravaging my well-being and I can feel all happening. Every moment of it. It’s like poison.
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The 54th Deadline: Filling in the Blank

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“When I am feeling completely lost, I know I need another force to fill in the blank.”

By all means, I am not a religious person. I don’t consider myself affiliated with any one religion out there, but these days I do find myself believing in the notion of “God” and what it means as a human being.

I see the Serenity Prayer whenever I walk downstairs on a little, card stand thing.

It of course reads:

I don’t know many prayers, but this one has always stood out to me. It’s a lot of wise words packed into a clear message.

Throughout the years, I have gone through a lot of personal hell because of the drama I set up for myself. I allowed myself to suffer when I needed the right kind of mindset to overcome what was bothering me.

Because I was such a wreck, there came a point where I basically had to turn to God. When you are feeling down and out, it’s only natural to start looking into alternatives. Not to sound preachy or anything, but God was one of those things I began to accept when I was feeling entirely like a lost soul.

And I am glad I did. No regrets there.

I know a lot of my blog posts flip-flop from positive and negative tones. It’s been how my life has played out over the years. I bounce around the emotional spectrum. I have felt plenty of anger, sadness and everything else in between, and then I deal with all again in different quantities as new obstacles present themselves before me.

There are those particular days where I just wish I could just be more consistent with what I am feeling. But perhaps amid this confusion, amid all of the stuff that sends me into a frenzy, I have to trust that God has a plan for me. Only in a matter of time, and only then, will I find solace and true purpose for my existence.

I was once very smug, arrogant even, about religion and God. I thought you could live life in a very moral sense without religion. Quite frankly, I essentially looked down on people who were religious. I thought they were wasting their time and energy.

I was a cocky punk back then. Gosh, I would hit my old self if I could…

Regardless, my viewpoints of religion as a whole has since changed by a lot.

In reality, if you look past all of the negative elements often associated with modern religion, it’s not all bad to have a designated faith to your name.

It’s not about going to a certain church on a certain day. It’s not about what you wear around your neck to demonstrate your faith. It’s all about having that belief in that one particular force out there that isn’t quite scientific, isn’t quite magical and yet you just kind of have to think it… exists. Like it’s there, and you just have to TRUST that it’s there for a reason.
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The 54th Deadline: Ingredients

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“More often than not, the necessary ingredients are right in front of you.”

The last time I talked about seeking a recipe for life itself, I started to realize how many resources I truly had to my name.

I have a job to call my own, which means I have money coming in to take care of things. And with this money, independence has become possible. I have gradually become a lot more self-reliant in the past few years, which is a huge difference versus being a sponge at home when I was living unemployed with my parents and whatnot.

But most importantly of all, I still have the option to pursue the next stage in life. That particularly elusive stage that I have been desiring for so long now. I dream about it. I ponder about what I need to do and what I have done wrong so far.

In more ways than one, it consumes me. It eats away at me and fills me up with a ton of guilt that I have not figured it all out yet. It has become a daily challenge of fighting off the sense of “shame” or whatever you want to call it, but its influence definitely gets to me.

I just find myself cycling over and over again, as if something is causing me to loop.

I make some sort of progress. I move two steps forward, and then I get yanked right back like life itself is toying with me. As a result, I can’t help but feel stuck. I hate dragging my heels for so long when I should have already been on my way toward where I need to be.

This much is true. It is evident in how I keep going back to the same checkpoint I have already been to over and over again, as if everything just repeats and replays itself to torture me.

I had a premonition of sorts tonight. I was literally about to sit down to play video games for a few hours before I opted to write this blog post out instead. I just came to realize that I have had more than enough time to add toward what I have already started long ago.

I could either just play some games or blog. I am glad I am opting for the latter. Instead of just killing time when I feel lazy or unmotivated, I should be utilizing it. I should force myself if I really need to…

The building blocks are there. The ingredients have been laid right in front of me.

I just have not been very good about putting it all together.

An egg is just an egg, right? Well, the same egg can become a tasty and scrumptious scrambled egg when you work your magic with it.

Lots of things don’t become anything until something happens to it.

With this same logic, I can’t be anything unless I act as my own catalyst toward literally transforming myself into something much more…

It is just the nature of cooking, in general, to be 100 percent honest.

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The 54th Deadline: A Particular Feeling

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The 54th Deadline: Sometimes, an “urge” just prompts you to take action.  It’s powerful.


It returns.

I think it’s about time I came up my own name for it.

An urge.

A feeling.

A spark.

Whatever it is, it’s something I cannot ignore. And I’d be a fool if I ever did. The fact is, without this gut instinct, I would have been sunk a long time ago. When you’re literally flirting with losing it all and hanging on for dear life, you need something to compel you forward to tough it out just a bit further.

And I am glad I did choose the scarier option of seeing what the unknown had to offer versus just throwing in the imminent white towel.

I realize I may come off as talking in almost circles about this recurring scenario/ordeal in my past, but it’s been apparent how vital and essential it has been toward sending me in this particular direction.

On some days, I want to call it destiny. I could say it’s in God’s hands. Whatever it may be, everything has been set in motion. I’ve just been along for the ride this whole time.

With that said, I think I need to react accordingly to this particular feeling. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Why would it do it now? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rejuvenating a Drained Soul

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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The past few weeks have stirred up further frustration about my whole “life” situation and all. On the plus side, things have improved by a lot. I am by all means in a better spot than I was a few years ago. I am not rich, but I can more or less take care of myself to a decent degree.

But on the other side of the coin, part of me is horribly discontent with the current state. I feel like I want more than what I currently have to my name, and I have just grown quite impatient with waiting and waiting for something more noteworthy to pop up.

Regardless, I have to stay on this course. Deep down, I know it’s the correct move.

There is no buried treasure I can unearth in the yard to fix my financial problems. There is no magic lamp I can rub to call up something to wish away all of my pain and troubles. I have to tough it out, as aggravating and taxing as it may be, until I can advance to the next stage in this long-winded “recovery” plan I have forced myself to undergo for a while now.
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The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Facing Fear

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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I have been a horrible coward for far too long.

The fact is, a large reason why this very blog exists stems from a lot of fear and insecurity. I didn’t know, at least at the time, how to face my fears when they showed themselves before me.

Bit by bit, I let all of the bad stuff happen to me. One meltdown after another. Each inner struggle manifested into something worse, eventually piling up into a mountain of personal problems.

And as a result, I have to be somewhat understanding. Without all of that, this blog wouldn’t have been so elaborate, so detailed and so filled with various thoughts and ideas floating around from my mind.

Fear is powerful, after all. One should never underestimate it.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I was Mr. Courageous prior to this blog. If anything, I was always leaning toward the meek side. I didn’t like conflict or confrontations. I wanted to stay inside of my own bubble and let the world pass me by, or at least this was the “old” me.

Without the security of said bubble, I was a hapless, ridiculously weak individual who was left to fend for himself for the first time in his dang life. Continue reading