The 54th Deadline: Pressure

Misaka19090_being_chased_by_her_Sisiters.jpg


The 54th Deadline: Life often forces some pressure your way to encourage immediate action.


More than five years ago, I was a loser by all means. I never would admit to it back then, but one could call me that now and I wouldn’t get mad at them for it.

That’s what I was. A loser. A bonafide loser. But that doesn’t mean I had to remain one. That’s the key. You can always change.

I was a new college grad, unemployed, just sleeping on a mattress in my parents’ basement. My laptop, my salvation at the time, sat on the desk where the old sewing machine used to be.

Every day, it was often the same routine with little variation.

I woke up. I got ready and all of that jazz. I then parked my butt in front of my laptop. At first, I was genuinely productive for a long while. I applied to many job listings that matched my degree. Granted, that was a rough time to attempt becoming a journalist, let alone getting some small gig to tide me over.

Things are always hard when you’re starting out, after all. The journalism job market at the time was sketchy and very unfriendly toward a lot of new people trying to get their journalism feet wet.

Anyway, the initial months were a constant blur of monotony. I took the summer off to “recharge” from my senior year in college, but the truth is I had a lot of built-up depression systems that lingered after college graduation. I was just in major denial of it.

Regardless, I was hellbent on getting my dream job after summer. I applied and applied, and most of my replies seemed rather pointless. I felt like I was wasting my time, but I knew I still had to apply with some semblance of a chance that things would pan out the way I had wanted.

But what was I to do in the meantime? Because I was so thoroughly weary and exhausted by the time my senior year of college ended, I did in fact needed the rest. So I passed the time mostly on my computer, wasting away hours upon hours while I hoped my “feelers” as you would call them were supposedly working their magic.

I played a lot of video games. An unhealthy amount, no less. I just played a LOT of video games. So many hours. So unproductive.

Alas, I wish my resumes could have told me somehow that their searches were to no avail. Potential employers don’t have to tell you they passed on you. Heck no. Most just ignore you. It’s like you never sent anything to them at all. You become just another blip on their radar they don’t notice. Another message in their inbox they might as well put in the spam folder.

Unless you had a gleaming resume or prior connections, many college grads were basically screwed. I was no different. Unfortunately, I should have known how ill-prepared I was to face the real world at the time.

It would take about two months after summer before I got my first real interview for a potential job, but that’s a different story I have discussed before way in the past. That led to a lot of terrible things for me personally, which added further self-destruction to my name as that particular series of events unfolded.

I might touch up on that later, but for now I want to focus on the notion of “pressure” and why I need it more than anything else in my life at the moment. Continue reading

Advertisements

The 54th Deadline: Unfinished Products

Hachikuji.Mayoi.full.1173772


The 54th Deadline: Something never becomes anything unless it has a beginning and end.


Lately, I have been realizing I have a peculiar problem I need to fix – I don’t finish what I start as much as I would like.

It’s all been too apparent for me.

For example, I had a smoke detector in my room that was beeping because the battery was dying. I went to the store and bought a new battery. It took me a week or so to replace the dead battery so I could have a functioning smoke detector again, even though I had it all right in front of me.

It’s such a random thing. Literally, getting the smoke detector all set up took less than 30 seconds when I finally just finished the task. It wasn’t hard or anything like that. I just put it off. Still, it was a week of procrastinating before I finally got it done. And thank goodness a fire did not break out in my place during that whole week.

The whole point is, this kind of procrastination is not uncommon or anything. It’s in the same vein when you’re a student and you have assignments you need to finish.

You keep putting things off, you keep telling yourself you will do this at this point, then you keep setting it aside and then it’s been a long time before you realize you should just have it all done already.

Procrastination is just a natural occurrence. It just creeps up at the worst times.

Now, more importantly, when you consider this procrastination for other projects I have had in the works for a long while, it’s just been apparent how counterproductive I have been with my time.

And I realize I have had a lot of life-altering situations that would of course affect how much time and effort I could invest toward a given project.

After all, survival comes first. But regardless, I don’t want to survive all of the time. I want to thrive. And in a big way.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: A Particular Feeling

fd20110422r1b


The 54th Deadline: Sometimes, an “urge” just prompts you to take action.  It’s powerful.


It returns.

I think it’s about time I came up my own name for it.

An urge.

A feeling.

A spark.

Whatever it is, it’s something I cannot ignore. And I’d be a fool if I ever did. The fact is, without this gut instinct, I would have been sunk a long time ago. When you’re literally flirting with losing it all and hanging on for dear life, you need something to compel you forward to tough it out just a bit further.

And I am glad I did choose the scarier option of seeing what the unknown had to offer versus just throwing in the imminent white towel.

I realize I may come off as talking in almost circles about this recurring scenario/ordeal in my past, but it’s been apparent how vital and essential it has been toward sending me in this particular direction.

On some days, I want to call it destiny. I could say it’s in God’s hands. Whatever it may be, everything has been set in motion. I’ve just been along for the ride this whole time.

With that said, I think I need to react accordingly to this particular feeling. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Why would it do it now? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Blur

black eyes anime window panes anime girls hair band black hair monobeno alishima alice arishima alic_www.wallmay.net_63


The 54th Deadline: Time sure flies by fast. A lot quicker than a lot of people may realize. Poof.


I feel like the gap between blog posts has grown gradually wider and wider, in a bad way, of course.

At the end of the day, this blog does in fact remain very important to me. It’s high up on the list of priorities, but I still find myself basically neglecting it as I try to handle the day-to-day operations of, well, surviving.

I used to blog a lot more often. All of the time, for that matter. I didn’t care at first who read what I wrote. I am sure I have had my share of ramblings, but I have also had a lot of blog posts I genuinely enjoyed putting together. It wasn’t about the viewership or anything like that in the beginning. I just wanted an outlet, just something to release some of the excess feelings out and it did help. It really helped a lot.

Still, time has flown by to this day. It’s been a blur. Everything has just felt like it all happened all too fast for me to notice.

Heck, a year ago to this point, I just moved into the place I am living now for literally no more than a few days. That was a very scary time for a lot of reasons.

Unemployed.

Unsure of what I was going to do.

Limited money in the bank.

Didn’t know many people in town.

It was just me starting a new chapter in my life.

Fast-forward to nowadays, and a lot of things are heading in the right direction.

Employed.

Have a car.

Got a cat as a pet.

Somewhat more stability in terms of finances. I am not rich by any means, but I at least have some cash to spend on extra stuff beyond the necessities.

I am certainly missing a lot of random things that would be nice, but I constantly tell myself that everything will come in due time. At least, I hope that’s the case. One can only wait for so long.

This blur-like pace that life makes you undergo really makes you think: time definitely is precious.

Believe me. As someone who can barely keep up with the now, it’s a wondrous idea to fathom making every second count. Sure, in a fantasy world perhaps, but obligations exist in reality. I can’t just not work for the sake of it. I need to hold a job down to pay the bills and make sure I don’t starve.

From this standpoint, things are more than fine. I survive, but I never thrive. And I really want to make the latter more prevalent. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rejuvenating a Drained Soul

aoyama
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The past few weeks have stirred up further frustration about my whole “life” situation and all. On the plus side, things have improved by a lot. I am by all means in a better spot than I was a few years ago. I am not rich, but I can more or less take care of myself to a decent degree.

But on the other side of the coin, part of me is horribly discontent with the current state. I feel like I want more than what I currently have to my name, and I have just grown quite impatient with waiting and waiting for something more noteworthy to pop up.

Regardless, I have to stay on this course. Deep down, I know it’s the correct move.

There is no buried treasure I can unearth in the yard to fix my financial problems. There is no magic lamp I can rub to call up something to wish away all of my pain and troubles. I have to tough it out, as aggravating and taxing as it may be, until I can advance to the next stage in this long-winded “recovery” plan I have forced myself to undergo for a while now.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Understanding Misery

superthumb
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
It’s been a little more than five years and counting.

If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.

I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.

Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.

I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Perception

Cinderella Girls 03
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Over the years, I have had to change my perception of the world. I don’t see things like I used to, at least compared to me being some college kid with a naive mindset about how things work as a whole.

Let’s just say I just blindly believed in the “norm” that I apparently was supposed to believe in, whatever that may be.

Politics.

Social commentaries.

This.

That.

Honestly, I was essentially a very different person years ago because I just wanted to fit in (sort of, anyway) versus trying to form my own opinions on most topics. But rightfully so, over time, I just developed my own personal stances on given topics.

Do I necessarily think my opinions are more valid than the next person? Not really.

If anything, I just chalk it up as my own perception.

For instance, I read this particular article about minimum wage increases in New York, and I really just wanted to facepalm after browsing through the comment section. I wasn’t really disgusted about the bias nature of the piece (because quite frankly, as a journalism school grad, I can tell you there will always be some kind of bias), but I think the comments really annoyed the crap out of me.

You see, the “liberal” side of me from years ago would have agreed with this article completely without a second thought.

“Oh my gosh! People should be paid more! Curse those greedy corporations! All they think about is money!”

But these days, one could say my take on this topic would be more along the lines of …

“Well, you can’t expect a business to increase the base wage of employees without some kind of consequence.” Continue reading