The 54th Deadline: Thud

“It takes hitting rock bottom once in a while to motivate you to launch back up.”

I realize the past few posts have been on the negative side, but life happens. Regardless, it’s time to get back on track. Thud. I hit the very bottom again, if only briefly for a few days, and all of it just reminded me why I have spent so many years to get out of that spot.

Surviving a year and a half of feeling exactly like that was hellish, and I am not going to let a few days’ worth of it prevent me from going forward. I will label it as a delay, an inconvenience… just as long it is not the definite stop in this journey. I have too much I need to do, so much I want to see and an unmeasurable amount of hope to keep me ambitious for the rest of my life.

If I let another hiccup derail me off the tracks, I would chalk myself as a complete failure. I have gone on for too long to give up now. I have forced myself to tough it out in personally challenging situations, one after the next. Basically, I have to maintain such a mentality no matter what.

Raw and undeniable tenacity. It gauges your grit when somethings comes to push, prompting to shove back in resistance. Resolve is tested at your worst.

I need to be more conscious of the next few weeks in particular. I think it will make or break me, depending on if I am truly strong or weak.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Emptiness
It’s been clear to me that certain voids are preventing me from feeling whole as a person.

Life is wonderful, but it also has a lot of bad stuff to it.

Now mind you, I wonder if it’s the gloomy side in me talking, but lately I haven’t been able to feel “happy” as much as I should. Mood swings aside, I feel like I have fallen into another one of my various ruts. After going through this song and dance a few times before, am I more prepared to deal with it now?

I am a survivor by all means. I am a survivor in the sense that I endured, mustered up some semblance of courage in the face of personal defeat and kept going. No matter how rough it got, I had to hang in there.

Well, I just had to. It’s my only life to live. Still, it’s not like things just got any easier per se. I just got stronger. But even with extra strength to my name, I find myself feeling mighty weak, almost ineffective at times.

It disheartens me. It makes me think, “What’s the point?” on those particular challenging days. This last week has been making me feel crappy about it all, and I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy.

At the end of the day, I write on this blog to vent. It’s my necessary outlet. Otherwise, I would just end up bottling feelings I shouldn’t be bottling. I would let certain emotions fester into something toxic, something that ends up poisoning me until I will face literal health problems.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of interest.

Loss of energy.

Loss of feeling motivated to, well, enjoy life.

I have had all of this and more, and it feels like I am experiencing a “fun-sized” version of these symptoms. God forbid I get the full package at this rate.

With this in mind, I can’t help but feel… on my own so so speak. I feel like I need to talk to someone else about this, but it’s hard to get people to lend you their ears when it feels like just a gesture to them more than a therapeutic practice.

I get it.

I lost too many friends over this depression and whatnot. I know I was not Mr. Popular prior to all of this self-imploding, but dang… I valued what friends I had.

Having gone down that path before, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. I should have gone to a professional for that kind of stuff. I needed to talk to someone whose job is to listen to the kind of problems I was dealing with back then.

I became too dependent on those phone calls, e-mails and Skype conversations about everything messing me up. I was too needy. I drove people away from me gradually over time.

And most of those friends are gone by now because of it. They have moved on with their lives. I find myself just struggling to keep myself intact, let alone position myself toward success.

Chances are, I have to admit, they don’t even remember me anymore. And that hurts. I am probably nothing more than a distant memory at this point.

Sigh, this just makes me think I need to re-evaluate everything I have, and see what’s helping or hurting my progress.

I need a change of pace. That’s a given.

I need something to clear up some of the chaos from within, and maybe then I can find some hope to salvage myself before I fall back into that abyss of misery and self-loathing.

0da55c52f8f0833ae256afae59b35c0dThere is only so much I can do as an individual. I am not Superman. I am only human, after all.

I know I have my flaws.

I realize I am difficult to work with for a variety of reasons.

But my goodness, I am a mess. And I know it.

I know I am falling victim to my own frustrations.

I am scared. I am scared that this is just another one of life’s tests that will make or break me.

It’s never easy. It’s never easy, huh?

At least, for me anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Pressure


The 54th Deadline: Life often forces some pressure your way to encourage immediate action.

More than five years ago, I was a loser by all means. I never would admit to it back then, but one could call me that now and I wouldn’t get mad at them for it.

That’s what I was. A loser. A bonafide loser. But that doesn’t mean I had to remain one. That’s the key. You can always change.

I was a new college grad, unemployed, just sleeping on a mattress in my parents’ basement. My laptop, my salvation at the time, sat on the desk where the old sewing machine used to be.

Every day, it was often the same routine with little variation.

I woke up. I got ready and all of that jazz. I then parked my butt in front of my laptop. At first, I was genuinely productive for a long while. I applied to many job listings that matched my degree. Granted, that was a rough time to attempt becoming a journalist, let alone getting some small gig to tide me over.

Things are always hard when you’re starting out, after all. The journalism job market at the time was sketchy and very unfriendly toward a lot of new people trying to get their journalism feet wet.

Anyway, the initial months were a constant blur of monotony. I took the summer off to “recharge” from my senior year in college, but the truth is I had a lot of built-up depression systems that lingered after college graduation. I was just in major denial of it.

Regardless, I was hellbent on getting my dream job after summer. I applied and applied, and most of my replies seemed rather pointless. I felt like I was wasting my time, but I knew I still had to apply with some semblance of a chance that things would pan out the way I had wanted.

But what was I to do in the meantime? Because I was so thoroughly weary and exhausted by the time my senior year of college ended, I did in fact needed the rest. So I passed the time mostly on my computer, wasting away hours upon hours while I hoped my “feelers” as you would call them were supposedly working their magic.

I played a lot of video games. An unhealthy amount, no less. I just played a LOT of video games. So many hours. So unproductive.

Alas, I wish my resumes could have told me somehow that their searches were to no avail. Potential employers don’t have to tell you they passed on you. Heck no. Most just ignore you. It’s like you never sent anything to them at all. You become just another blip on their radar they don’t notice. Another message in their inbox they might as well put in the spam folder.

Unless you had a gleaming resume or prior connections, many college grads were basically screwed. I was no different. Unfortunately, I should have known how ill-prepared I was to face the real world at the time.

It would take about two months after summer before I got my first real interview for a potential job, but that’s a different story I have discussed before way in the past. That led to a lot of terrible things for me personally, which added further self-destruction to my name as that particular series of events unfolded.

I might touch up on that later, but for now I want to focus on the notion of “pressure” and why I need it more than anything else in my life at the moment. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 119

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 119’s Topic: Finding answers amid the confusion.
The more I figure out things about myself, the more I realize how truly complex and all over the place I truly am as an individual. Well, I am complex in the sense that I have a lot of random ailments that more or less affect me in some fashion day-to-day.

For instance, I often talk about my mood swings and how they essentially make me an “inconsistent” person. You really don’t know what kind of Nhan you’re gonna get sometimes. I don’t even know the answer on a given day to be honest.

Mood swings make me erratic, almost unstable, because I shift around from all kinds of moods. Yesterday, for instance, I felt sad. I am talking about feeling so blue I was lying on my bed borderline ready to cry my eyes out, or at least this is how I felt for most of the day.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 111

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 111’s Topic: Figuring out what’s truly precious in life.
I had a lot to think about in the past few days. No scratch that. It was a real turning point, something that grew into a huge epiphany I had to come to grips with in regards to my “weakness.” In a nutshell, my mood swings almost got me fired from my job. My emotions turned that vile enough to warrant a talk with my boss before my all-day shift on Wednesday.

He said he was going to fire me as soon as he walked through the door, but after talking it out with me, he instead opted to let me off for the day so we could both think about our priorities for the restaurant.

Gosh, this sure hurt.

Well, I am not going to sugarcoat, nor will I condone, my actions on the bad night in question. I was simply out of line. That happened to be a night where I let the meaner side (I say meaner because, quite frankly, it was maybe just a 2 out of 5 about how vicious I can really get …) leak out past the surface.

I was moody. I was unpleasant. I was just someone you didn’t want to be around, let alone attempt to work with during the heat of a busy dinner rush where everyone was already on edge from how packed the place was outside on the dining floor.

I was weak and allowed the pressure of the night get to me. I shouldn’t have. It was tough for everyone at the restaurant. I have honestly been through a lot worse in terms of volume and speed, yet my composure crumbled. My sense of control faltered when I needed to tighten the valve even more before I blew a gasket.

It led to me snapping at coworkers and slamming things around me. My actions were inappropriate. My attitude was not acceptable under any circumstances.

So when I was literally on the verge of being fired, I had to rethink my priorities again.

I had to talk it out with people. Heck, I literally even spoke with a pastor for hours about this whole situation. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 110

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 110’s Topic: A roller coaster of emotions.
Today was just one of those days where I had to experience the ill effects of my prominent mood swings.

I used to be very hush-hush about my mood swings, pretending they weren’t such a big deal. In reality, they affect me for better or for worse each day in some degree. There are no patterns to follow. There is no real way of me knowing what’s going to be felt emotionally for a given day. It’s all very random.

I can be happy one second, completely mad the next and something else in between just a mere moment afterward.

What a roller coaster of emotions.

In fact, these mood swings of mine create so many inconsistencies in my life. I wish I could be one thing, but I just can’t be. The ride is up and down, sideways with some loops thrown into the mix.

Perhaps I would be more content with life knowing that my own emotional track was something more simple and straightforward by design, but instead I must deal with something so absurdly random that it bothers the heck out of me to no end.

Sigh. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 78

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 78’s Topic: Understanding.
Lately, I have had the urge to be more open about my random problems I deal with on a daily basis. In particular, I have found myself often telling others I have the serious kind of mood swings, which affect me by constantly messing with my emotions in an unpredictable manner.

In a sense, perhaps I am wanting more understanding about what I attempt to keep well under control every day, every hour and probably until my last breath.

But that’s OK. I don’t expect modern medicine to develop a complete “cure” for mood swings or anything like that in the near future. Medication exists to balance out the mood, but I don’t want to partake in such a pill-popping commitment. There are more pressing illnesses out there like cancer that need more attention.

Mood swings, ultimately, can just make things a bit erratic, so to speak. I can be happy one minute and then feel completely sad the next, as an example.

Not the end of the world. However, I do in fact wish there were days I could just let my emotions run the proper and natural gamut without me needing to … pretend that I am a normal person?

And that’s the thing. I know I am not normal like others, though I don’t really want to imply it’s that much of a handicap.

Like, you see, if I were in a wheelchair, it would be easy for others to understand that something isn’t quite the same with me. With mood swings, combined with my nerdy and social awkwardness on top of it, everything projects the wrong kind of things I should be showcasing about my personality. Continue reading