The 54th Deadline: Time Limits


“Every second does technically count. It’s just easier not to make each tick matter.”

I want to be more efficient. I want to be more meticulous. I want to more successful in everything I do.

So I think it’s been long overdue that I attempt to tighten up my approach with life itself. First and foremost, I need to start setting aside chunks of time throughout the day that are dedicated to specific tasks.




The task itself doesn’t matter. It’s just a matter of committing to the intended task at hand and making sure it gets done. And of course, I have to make sure it is done right. If I do something halfheartedly, it’s also counterproductive. It defeats the purpose of trying to structure my life around certain aspects I want to work toward, meaning my overall progress is just delayed even further.

I don’t want this blog to sound repetitive. I want to reach a point where I can start gushing about how I was able to achieve this and that. That’s the main goal in mind for this blog these days.

Don’t get me wrong. Talking about the bad stuff here and there is absolutely necessary. If I didn’t, a lot of negativity builds up and becomes dangerous. At the same time, I want to guide this blog toward more positive themes. I don’t want to talk about the sad/bad stuff for the rest of this blog’s existence. That would be lousy. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Encouragement


“Keep yourself feeling positive by using words meant to lift your spirits up.”

Words matter. The stuff you hear, read or say can impact you in all kinds of ways.

For me over the years, I have had my share of negativity. Some of it was from others, but a lot of it stemmed from me being my own worst enemy.

I have made myself feel lousy, unappreciated, undervalued, sad, angry and pretty much every negative thing you could think of within reason. When you find yourself bombarded with words meant to hurt, it will. It shouldn’t come as a surprise.

After a while, you start to believe what you are coming across, and it is all downhill from there. Conversely, words of encouragement would thus be the superior alternative.

Trade those insults for self-esteem boosters. Tune out those words hacking away at your confidence and instead lift yourself up with thoughtful tidbits of advice to stay cool as a cucumber.

I don’t want to be the guy who has to tell you that those cheesy and overused platitudes of never giving up and whatnot do in fact mean something. It may be formalities at times, but it’s better you hear that than something toxic to ruin your mood.

Take it from someone who has nearly drowned in that depression pool various times throughout this personal journey. Those random words can sting a bit too much, weighing just enough that you can feel it sinking you as you’re just trying to keep your head above water.

Believe me. And this is me being very real about this. If I didn’t have those particular people along the way to remind me to keep going, to reason with me that I still had it within me to persevere… Well, I don’t know what would have happened. I am thankful, as in truly thankful, I have made it this far because of those particular people who both come and go in my life.

There will in fact be plenty of work ahead to make the ultimate comeback, but I am at least blessed to have the privilege to take another crack at it.

This is why I decided to do something very random for my own sake today. It is nothing revolutionary by all means. It’s actually very simple. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Hidden Battles


“To fight battles others cannot see every day is a soul-draining, taxing endeavor.”

Throughout the years, I have learned how I am my own worst enemy.

I am my own worst enemy because I continue to enable the negativity to keep popping back up in my life. I revert to inefficient cycles of moving forward a bit and then ending up back where I started. It’s a very back-and-forth dance I have grown accustomed to, but I want this particular waltz to end. Please!

Each day, with some sense of optimism, I tell myself that today is going to be the day. Today is going to be that one day I really make a breakthrough. But it was no different today. I shouldn’t be so impatient. When it happens, it happens. Until then, I can only hope for the best.

But in the meantime, there are lots of hidden battles. They are bouts with doubt. They stem from personal struggles of feeling worthless and being unable to realize my true potential as an individual.

I have been fighting these hidden battles for more than five years now. Even before I started this blog, I technically had a lot of depression building up. Those later years in college did a number on my well-being. I was too damaged after a certain point to realize how much repair I was due, at least if I wanted to patch up what was already in the process of shutting down.

If I could have done something back then, maybe now I wouldn’t feel so fragile. Maybe then I wouldn’t so unstable, always on the brink of undoing all of the positive progress I have made throughout this time.

Take this past evening as a prime example of what I mean. I was about to sit down and do something productive. I wanted to write sooner. I wanted to concentrate on just practicing some concepts.

What did I do instead? I napped. But not in the manner you think. I napped because I felt depressed.

I felt sad.

I felt like my energy and motivation got sapped away by life itself.

I just did not feel like doing anything.

So I slept.

And though one could argue that rest is important, taking this kind of nap when I wasn’t feeling weary just causes me to think I just wasted time more or less.

And sure, after waking up, I did feel better about things, even if only through temporary relief. But gosh… I really need to get my act together.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Chase


“Certain days make me think I am in an ongoing chase without an end in sight.”

Having a goal to chase after is important. However, sometimes I feel like I am running on a perpetual treadmill that won’t stop. And this means I am nowhere close to reaching checkpoints that I should have reached by now.

But that’s the thing. In terms of progress, I am definitely making some strides. I obviously don’t think I have accomplished enough at this stage in the game, but I certainly have completed particular goals I had on the agenda throughout the past year.

Getting a job.

Getting a car.

Establishing a sense of independence.

All of this and more. Each of these, respectively, should be considered achievements for someone like me. A lot of these things may not appear that monumental at face value, but believe me – I am much better because I have this stuff to my name. By miles.

I think having goals to chase after is beneficial because it gives you that sense of direction. You aren’t just meandering through life and ending up at specific spots randomly. In a sense, to chase after the right goal at the right time drastically improves the odds things will turn out all right if not wonderful.

And then we start going into comparisons.

And when it comes to comparisons, we all can feel a bit envy or grateful, depending on the perspective and context.

A few years back, I found myself usually feeling jealous of others. I felt like a loser because I was not at point (x) when my (former) friends and peers were already many steps ahead. I grew bitter and insecure, gradually turning into an emotional mess.

To call me unstable would not have been an understatement. Feeling like I hit rock bottom, just the mere thought of it, weighed me down. I anchored myself, preventing any form of progress for so many years as a major consequence.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Method

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“The method in which we approach something is vital for the final result.”

A particular quote has been on my mind as of late…


Sadly, this quote is quite applicable to me in a variety of ways.

I am very stubborn when it comes to change. Old habits die hard for me. I am not someone who can change his ways with ease. I delay the change. I think about it. I mull over every aspect of it.

Gradually, if I am lucky, some sort of shift will be made. And then, and only then, will something stick. But it’s going to take a long while. I don’t shift gears for the task at hand. It’s more like I take my sweet time to take the gears out and then put in a whole set of parts to replace them.

Unfortunately, this accounts for why my healing process over the years has been taking forever. Back then, I knew I had to alter some elements with my lifestyle to get the recovery process off the ground.

I needed to get the ball rolling with better actions instead of waiting for something to happen to me. I basically should have been way more proactive. Being reactive when you are in a pinch is setting yourself up for failure.

What was my main problem back then? I needed a job. Any job.

What did I do instead? I chased blindly after pipe dreams. I narrowed my sights on something far away, with no real way of ensuring I would ever get to that point. I deluded myself when I should have focused on what was unraveling before my eyes.

Well, I was unraveling. I became an empty and soulless husk. I lost a lot of things like people I considered friends and whatnot. The world around me was continuing, but I was getting “trapped” in my own bubble.

What was the result? I tried to cope to ease some of the guilt. I just attempted to fill the void with random shows and video games. I was not remedying the situation at all.

And why? It was because of my method.

My c0ba36255aacc30bf9cc9a75ba0c4e03method was all wrong. My entire approach was just flawed. No way was it going to improve my life, let alone salvage me from all kinds of personal despair.

As opposed to parking my butt in that particular chair near my mattress to stare at my laptop on the old sewing machine spot, there were literally countless alternatives.

I could have picked up working out, you know… I could have gone to the gym to get physically stronger or whatever.

I could have explored different avenues.

I could have learned to play music.

I could have volunteered at an animal shelter. Anywhere.

Lots of people deviate to reach their dream jobs, so why didn’t I think outside of the box as well? Actually, no… That’s not entirely true. I did think outside of the box, but I put too many eggs in one basket…

Still, I should have been smarter about the whole thing. I was unemployed, barely able to take care of myself and I did not even know how to cook at this stage as a young adult. The horror! The shame!

I could have done something more productive in the meantime at the very least. Every day more or less, for more than a year and a half, I kept waking up to look at that computer screen.

I played so many hours of video games. I watched so many episodes of anime. I watched so many movies. What did it get me?

Hours and hours would pass, and I was gazing at that computer screen being a jobless loser. Other than that, I was either sleeping or eating. I rarely left the house. I spent most of the time in the basement, being too ashamed and wary of letting others see me. It got that bad. It was a pathetic cycle. A truly low point in my existence. I want to blur it out of my mind!

A lot of wasted time. That’s for sure.

Sure, I sent out resumes and cover letters. I legitimately applied to so many places. The job market really did suck for most people five years ago. This was not some conspiracy or a convoluted excuse. The economy was in the pits.

I was just one of many victims to the horrible economy. Regardless, I could have done more to fight against the adversity. I could have done more to get myself out of a tough spot.

I tried to escape my real troubles with all of those computer things by numbing my mind to the mess I had around me. I was too prideful as a college graduate to declare I was failing, mainly because I really did believe the universe would give me my fair shake in the job market at some point.

However, running out of money and slowly being drained of one’s spirit as a person… It takes its toll. That toll would mean I essentially lost a bunch of years out of my life that I never will get back.

And this was all because my method was crappy. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Emptiness
It’s been clear to me that certain voids are preventing me from feeling whole as a person.

Life is wonderful, but it also has a lot of bad stuff to it.

Now mind you, I wonder if it’s the gloomy side in me talking, but lately I haven’t been able to feel “happy” as much as I should. Mood swings aside, I feel like I have fallen into another one of my various ruts. After going through this song and dance a few times before, am I more prepared to deal with it now?

I am a survivor by all means. I am a survivor in the sense that I endured, mustered up some semblance of courage in the face of personal defeat and kept going. No matter how rough it got, I had to hang in there.

Well, I just had to. It’s my only life to live. Still, it’s not like things just got any easier per se. I just got stronger. But even with extra strength to my name, I find myself feeling mighty weak, almost ineffective at times.

It disheartens me. It makes me think, “What’s the point?” on those particular challenging days. This last week has been making me feel crappy about it all, and I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy.

At the end of the day, I write on this blog to vent. It’s my necessary outlet. Otherwise, I would just end up bottling feelings I shouldn’t be bottling. I would let certain emotions fester into something toxic, something that ends up poisoning me until I will face literal health problems.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of interest.

Loss of energy.

Loss of feeling motivated to, well, enjoy life.

I have had all of this and more, and it feels like I am experiencing a “fun-sized” version of these symptoms. God forbid I get the full package at this rate.

With this in mind, I can’t help but feel… on my own so so speak. I feel like I need to talk to someone else about this, but it’s hard to get people to lend you their ears when it feels like just a gesture to them more than a therapeutic practice.

I get it.

I lost too many friends over this depression and whatnot. I know I was not Mr. Popular prior to all of this self-imploding, but dang… I valued what friends I had.

Having gone down that path before, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. I should have gone to a professional for that kind of stuff. I needed to talk to someone whose job is to listen to the kind of problems I was dealing with back then.

I became too dependent on those phone calls, e-mails and Skype conversations about everything messing me up. I was too needy. I drove people away from me gradually over time.

And most of those friends are gone by now because of it. They have moved on with their lives. I find myself just struggling to keep myself intact, let alone position myself toward success.

Chances are, I have to admit, they don’t even remember me anymore. And that hurts. I am probably nothing more than a distant memory at this point.

Sigh, this just makes me think I need to re-evaluate everything I have, and see what’s helping or hurting my progress.

I need a change of pace. That’s a given.

I need something to clear up some of the chaos from within, and maybe then I can find some hope to salvage myself before I fall back into that abyss of misery and self-loathing.

0da55c52f8f0833ae256afae59b35c0dThere is only so much I can do as an individual. I am not Superman. I am only human, after all.

I know I have my flaws.

I realize I am difficult to work with for a variety of reasons.

But my goodness, I am a mess. And I know it.

I know I am falling victim to my own frustrations.

I am scared. I am scared that this is just another one of life’s tests that will make or break me.

It’s never easy. It’s never easy, huh?

At least, for me anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Priorities

There are many times where I wonder if my priorities are in the right place. At all.

It has dawned on me lately that my personal priorities aren’t as concrete as I would like. Evidently, I am scatterbrained in many regards. And with this in mind, I have to be more of an adult and realize what I want, especially in the next stages of this complicated process.

The other day really hit me where it counted. I was cashing my paycheck, and then I just kept thinking about how I was nowhere where I wanted to be in terms of the bank account numbers.

It was a bit depressing to think about for me.

I have worked my tail off for this past year and then some, both physically at work while also trying to sift through my convoluted and unpredictable emotional state.

And what do I have to show for it?

Well, for what it’s worth, I have picked up a lot of independence as an individual. But independence aside, it just seems like everything is further away than I had envisioned. Perhaps I am too caught up in the fantasy of waking up one day, my money problems completely gone and with the freedom to do whatever the heck I want.

Of course, reality always makes its presence known.

Mind you, I am more than aware that I shouldn’t expect to be like well-off at this stage in the game. I have a ways to go. A long way. But still, is it not normal to experience frustrations linked to one’s progress or lack of said progress in general? I certainly think it is normal.

This paycheck-to-paycheck existence is commonplace. Not everyone is meant to be millionaires. Not everyone is going to have nice things.

That’s life. We aren’t equal, and we never shall be, but I believe we all have the power and capabilities of changing our own circumstances through sheer willpower and keeping our eye on the prize.

But again, it’s tough. If anyone can attain that notion of “success,” we’d all be happily married to our soulmates, we’d all drive around in nice vehicles and we’d all have this and that and even more…

I do not hate money or anything. It’s just clear that money is extremely important in more ways than one.

Gosh, if I had more money, I would make sure I had every random expense paid for, I would pay back the people who have helped me through thick and thin, I would use my money to fund my dreams and, above all else, I would use my money to make myself H-A-P-P-Y.

At the end of the day, no matter what number is showing in your bank account, money ultimately should impact one’s general happiness. I make enough money to get by, but I never have enough to, say, go on a nice vacation to another place.

Actually, I have never even lived outside of the state I live in for my whole life. I have only been to two other states my entire life. I have never even been to Canada…

And why? Because of money.
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