“The method in which we approach something is vital for the final result.”
A particular quote has been on my mind as of late…
Sadly, this quote is quite applicable to me in a variety of ways.
I am very stubborn when it comes to change. Old habits die hard for me. I am not someone who can change his ways with ease. I delay the change. I think about it. I mull over every aspect of it.
Gradually, if I am lucky, some sort of shift will be made. And then, and only then, will something stick. But it’s going to take a long while. I don’t shift gears for the task at hand. It’s more like I take my sweet time to take the gears out and then put in a whole set of parts to replace them.
Unfortunately, this accounts for why my healing process over the years has been taking forever. Back then, I knew I had to alter some elements with my lifestyle to get the recovery process off the ground.
I needed to get the ball rolling with better actions instead of waiting for something to happen to me. I basically should have been way more proactive. Being reactive when you are in a pinch is setting yourself up for failure.
What was my main problem back then? I needed a job. Any job.
What did I do instead? I chased blindly after pipe dreams. I narrowed my sights on something far away, with no real way of ensuring I would ever get to that point. I deluded myself when I should have focused on what was unraveling before my eyes.
Well, I was unraveling. I became an empty and soulless husk. I lost a lot of things like people I considered friends and whatnot. The world around me was continuing, but I was getting “trapped” in my own bubble.
What was the result? I tried to cope to ease some of the guilt. I just attempted to fill the void with random shows and video games. I was not remedying the situation at all.
And why? It was because of my method.
My method was all wrong. My entire approach was just flawed. No way was it going to improve my life, let alone salvage me from all kinds of personal despair.
As opposed to parking my butt in that particular chair near my mattress to stare at my laptop on the old sewing machine spot, there were literally countless alternatives.
I could have picked up working out, you know… I could have gone to the gym to get physically stronger or whatever.
I could have explored different avenues.
I could have learned to play music.
I could have volunteered at an animal shelter. Anywhere.
Lots of people deviate to reach their dream jobs, so why didn’t I think outside of the box as well? Actually, no… That’s not entirely true. I did think outside of the box, but I put too many eggs in one basket…
Still, I should have been smarter about the whole thing. I was unemployed, barely able to take care of myself and I did not even know how to cook at this stage as a young adult. The horror! The shame!
I could have done something more productive in the meantime at the very least. Every day more or less, for more than a year and a half, I kept waking up to look at that computer screen.
I played so many hours of video games. I watched so many episodes of anime. I watched so many movies. What did it get me?
Hours and hours would pass, and I was gazing at that computer screen being a jobless loser. Other than that, I was either sleeping or eating. I rarely left the house. I spent most of the time in the basement, being too ashamed and wary of letting others see me. It got that bad. It was a pathetic cycle. A truly low point in my existence. I want to blur it out of my mind!
A lot of wasted time. That’s for sure.
Sure, I sent out resumes and cover letters. I legitimately applied to so many places. The job market really did suck for most people five years ago. This was not some conspiracy or a convoluted excuse. The economy was in the pits.
I was just one of many victims to the horrible economy. Regardless, I could have done more to fight against the adversity. I could have done more to get myself out of a tough spot.
I tried to escape my real troubles with all of those computer things by numbing my mind to the mess I had around me. I was too prideful as a college graduate to declare I was failing, mainly because I really did believe the universe would give me my fair shake in the job market at some point.
However, running out of money and slowly being drained of one’s spirit as a person… It takes its toll. That toll would mean I essentially lost a bunch of years out of my life that I never will get back.
And this was all because my method was crappy. Continue reading