“My life has been far from balanced. Instead, I would say it is an alternating series of extremes.”
I can be really on fire one day. I can be really cold the next. I can be on point one day. I can be a complete and utter failure the next. However, the pattern is never predictable. The feelings are ambiguous.
The weather affects me. Something in the news affects me. I just feel so darn vulnerable to my own emotions. I am therefore an emotional person, and to be emotional is a blessing and a curse.
I am emotional because I feel everything I feel to the nth degree, but this acts as a double-edged sword when the feelings are anything negative. I can be as happy as a clam, or I can be the most miserable person you can come across just like that.
Regardless, I hate it. The more I try to come to grips with the notion that I legitimately may have bipolar disorder or whatever, the more I have to start contemplating more serious remedies to counteract the instability.
Yes, that is a good word for this dilemma of mine. Instability. It is a word that implies that something is not quite all the way put together, and it hints that something could go horribly wrong.
Outside of medicinal means, I wonder if just doing something else in life can somewhat bring it all toward the “center,” even if not perfectly in the middle. I just need to stop this back-and-forth game with my own thoughts. I want things to be steady at the very least. If this were the case, I could feel a bit more at ease that I am just drifting along in life.
But nope. It all just feels like an inner distraction. There is chaos upstairs, but a lot more needs to be done outside in the real world while all of this roughhousing takes place.
Ugh. Why can’t I just be one thing?
Why, world? Why!